These are actual emails. From people that can read the keys on their keyboard and type somewhat intelligible messages to me. I really don’t know why I’m writing this all down except for the fact that I’ve had a few too many Yuenglings and a shot of Stoli to cap off the night. Thanks, Mike.

1. “Is your real name ‘Ryan’?”
- No. In actuality, I’m a homosexual living in Vermont and my partner, Ryan, let me borrow his name to keep my anonymity. I absolutely love the name “Ryan” and will continue to refer to myself as “Ryan” to 1) stay anonymous and 2) honor the lifestyle I’ve chosen.

2. “Are you really from Florida?”
- No. Vermont.

3. “Do you make up any of your stories?”
- Inevitably, stories on this site will be a bit different than they actually occurred. I usually don’t post a story until a week or so after it happened because at any one time, I have a dozen or so stories in my archives to put on the site. So small details such as exact wording in conversations could come under dispute, but the general story and direction are exactly as I remember from my point of view. (And I’ve even gone to the trouble of fact-checking some of the longer pieces with co-workers.)

4. “What do you listen to while writing your site?”
- The Beatles: Abbey Road.

5. “Who’s your favorite co-worker?”
- This is almost as inane as the previous question. Probably Kelsey. She’s the only one that doesn’t hate me for being an asshole.

6. “If you could make any kind of sandwich, what kind would it be. Mine would be a roast beef sandwich with a dill pickle and a couple of bags of Lays Potato Chips. I say ‘a couple’ because I can never have just one…”
- It just keeps going on like this. Christ.

7. “Can I interview you for a school project?”
- Sure: iserveidiots@gmail.com. Go for it. One guy got a 100 on a project he turned in with my interview answers. That should tell you all something about American school systems. I’m not saying the end of the Cold War was a bad thing, but competing with Russia really gave us a higher bar to strive for academically, wouldn’t you say?

8. “How much do you make in hourly wages?”
- About a dollar an hour. Oftentimes less. I’ve been able to sustain myself for about a year with this job. That should paint a decent picture of how good a waiter I am and how much in tips I make a given week.

9. “Why are you so full of yourself?”
- Give me someone else to be full of and I’ll give them a fair look.

10. “You put ads on your site?”
- Your point?

11. “I’m never coming back because you put ads up on your site.”
- And yet horrible writing and C+ storytelling kept you coming back for more. Good riddance.

12. “I really dig your writing. I’m going to click on all your ads a hundred times a day.”
- Will you marry me?

13. “Where do you work?”
- ******

14. “C’mon. Tell us where you work. We want to visit you.”
- Sure. It’s called ******.

15. “What city do you live in?”
- Ask around the messageboard or site. Someone should be able to answer this one for you.”

16. “Why do you hate your job so much?”
- I don’t. I really don’t. 90% of my customers are decent people just looking for some good Japanese food. It’s the other 10% I write my site about. I don’t always serve an idiot every day I go into work. That’s why you see a couple days in between entries sometimes. I genuinely feel very lucky to be in the position I am, making the money I am.

17. “Why did you do this FAQ?”
- Because I didn’t serve an idiot tonight.