This is Part III in a four-part series designed to inform the public on how to be better customers. You can read Part I here, Part II here or Part IV here.

Yesterday, I gave some advice concerning teenagers and toddlers. While it was useful, I doubt little Johnny comes home from kindergarten every day brimming with excitement as he browses the archives. And teenagers just generally suck.

Today, I’d like to speak to the two demographics that probably read my website more than any other demographic: “21 to 55 year olds” and “55 to dead year olds”.

For the young adults and adults alike (21-55 years old): You guys will find any excuse to make me run around like a chicken with its head cut off.

You are in the prime of your life. You’ve been contributing to society for some time now and you may even have kids of your own. If so, refer to Part II of this guide.

And because you’ve been a part of society for so long, you’ve been to restaurants quite a bit, haven’t you? And you know exactly what you want and what soda you’ll have and if you’d like water with your wine, right?

Wrong.

People, you’ve been sitting in booths and ordering off of menus for decades. The Sprite is still there. So is the Coke. Unless you want a Tab, we’ve probably got the soda you want.

So then why does it take you people five, ten, fifteen minutes to decide on what you’d like to drink. And why is it when I go into the back for one person’s water, that triggers another customer’s thirst for a glass of water. “Holy shit,” they’ll think, “what is that exotic drink you’re having? Water? I have to get some of that!”

What is it about someone across the table ordering a receiving a water that makes you suddenly desire some? Water is water. They have it at your house. They have it at your neighbors house. You’re not opposed to it and you understand exactly what drinking a water entails. I’ll even venture to say that water has been your drink of choice more often that any other drink.

So my first bit of advice is to figure out what you’d like to drink by the time I get to your table. The longer I take to put in your drink order and get it to you, the longer I’ll take to put in your dinner order. The same bitches that take forever to order a Diet Coke are the same bitches complaining when they don’t get their dinner in fifteen minutes.

“Sorry, ma’am. Table 9 knew what they wanted to drink and their server got their dinner order in first. What? You don’t want your dinner anymore nor do you want to pay for it? Sure, you flaming fucktard. Please have a nice rest of the night as I ask the manager if I can take a smoke break and then go key your car. Bitch.”

It’s logic, men and women. It can’t be this hard. Most of us have high school educations. Some of us even have college degrees. You’ve got to understand the relationship between drink orders, dinner orders and getting your dinner. You take five extra minutes deciding between Mello Yello and Sprite and that’s at least five extra minutes on your dinner. Sounds simple, right? Not to more people than you’d think.

You adults have also been out so much you know exactly all the choices for to-go sauces and you know which one you want and only get that one, right?

Nope.

You middle-aged hags have been to our restaurant a dozen times and you still want two of every to-go sauce we have. As if you forgot what the ginger sauce tasted like since last Tuesday when I frickin’ saw your fat ass sitting at Table 6 by the window.

Adults, my advice is simple: Act your age. And if you can’t do that, at least pretend for the sake of me and those around you. You know what you want to drink and you know what sauces you want. Don’t waste both of ours time sending me on these stupid little errands thereby taking valuable time away from my other customers (i.e. potential tips).

For the 55+ crowd: Or as I like to refer to them: The group that just won’t die.

The unlimited sense of entitlement has returned and seemed to multiply exponentially since teenager-dom. You expect us to be at your every beckon just because you haven’t died yet. Seriously. That’s all I know about my customers when I go up to them. What else am I supposed to know? I don’t know that you shot down three Nazi planes or that you took a bullet for a friend in Korea. The only accomplishment we both know about you is that you haven’t died yet. Hell, my brother’s done that and he’s dumb as hell.

Senior citizens, I know you are on a fixed income and that your social security checks give you very little spending money outside of medication, hospital bills, etc… But if I may ask a personal question:

Then why are you coming out to a semi-expensive place for dinner?

Doesn’t make much sense, does it? If you’re on such a “fixed” income, then why are you paying our restaurant 25 dollars a plate, 10 more for some drinks, 6 for an appetizer and then leaving me 2 bucks? Where’s the “fixed” income in that?

Where’s the “fixed” income on what you got out of coming to the restaurant?

I can relate to someone that’s strapped for cash. I’m in college, remember? But I don’t go throw down 80 bucks for me and my wife to go eat and drink and be merry once a week. I take my girlfriend to Chick-Fil-A. And Crispers. And cafes and hookah bars and places where I don’t have to spend a lot of money to spend some time with her.

I go to restaurants like mine and throw down that kind of dough a couple of times a month. And that’s if it’s been busy.

Older men and women, my advice is the same as the teenager’s: Don’t be surprised when we pigeonhole you as bad tippers. We know you’re strapped for cash and you know you’re strapped for cash (at least for cash for people other than yourselves).

P.S. Don’t ever put your dentures on the sushi bar or grill tables. That shit is gross.

Monday, in my final advice column, I will have a list of the common judgments that waiters and waitresses hold for the different races, classes and age groups. If you offend easily, don’t even read it. But if you want to know how to break the stereotype most those in the service industry hold for the demographic you’re a part of, I implore you to read it. Twice.

This is Part III in a four-part series designed to inform the public on how to be better customers. You can read Part I here, Part II here or Part IV here.

This is Part II in a four-part series designed to inform the public on how to be better customers. You can read Part I here, Part III here or Part IV here.

Yesterday, I talked about some rules focusing solely on tipping. Today, I’d like to speak a little more broadly and focus on some general rules. You’ll find the advice in this column broken up categorically by age.

For the “12 and under” crowd: I think I can vouch for everyone here (server and servee alike) when I say that the volume of your child parallels exactly just how much we enjoy you and your child’s presence.

I’m a realist, moms. I understand that you and your husband need to get out of the house every once in a while and that sometimes babysitters fall through or you just can’t find one at the moment. I don’t expect everyone with a small child to not ever go out to restaurants.

What I do expect, however, is that your child not be running around the restaurant or be so disruptive that it continually disturbs the job I’m trying to do and the good time my customers are trying to have. A little noise is okay. It could even be cute and add to my tip and the customer’s enjoyment. But when your child is screaming and crying and banging their silverware on the table and you can’t or won’t stop it, that’s where the line needs to be drawn.

If you’ve ever caught your child doing any one of these things, you may need to find a babysitter or take a discipline class or two:

1. Rolling around the restaurant on those frickin’ roller-sneaker things.
2. Crying so hard that a blood vessel pops in your forehead and/or your child’s forehead.
3. Throwing plates, silverware and napkins on the floor like they were candy.
4. Flailing so wildly, they HIT A TOTAL FRICKIN’ STRANGER IN THE MOUTH.

Parents, pull up your pants, roll back your sleeves and do society a favor by making sure your child doesn’t act like a little shit in a restaurant.

For those between 13 and 20: Yes, we will check for your ID. Don’t get pissed. It’s our frickin’ job.

In my limited time as a waiter, I’ve noticed that the sense of entitlement is at its greatest on the ends of the age spectrum. If you’re under 21 or over 60, you think you deserve preferential treatment.

What the hell have you done, teenagers? Old people HAVEN’T DIED on their way to senior citizenship. That’s a hell of an accomplishment in a society so filled with ignorance and stupidity that a bunch of middle-agers pretending to be wide-eyed medical student graduates is a hit television show and a drama where the writers don’t even know what’s going on is raking in the millions. Fuck you, ABC. Bring back Howard Cosell.

You on the other hand are doing everything in your power to make it so you never see thirty. Oh, you only got one C on your report card? Scored a blowjob behind the bleachers? Well woopty-frickin-do! That all translates real frickin’ well in the real world. And that touchdown you caught last Friday night might help you get laid, but it won’t do shit to help you land a job. So don’t think you’re hot shit because of the petty things you do as an adolescent.

That being said, don’t think you’re above the same exact treatment I give everyone else. And do NOT ask me for an alcoholic drink if you don’t have an ID that says you’re 21. I’ll get fired.

The biggest gripe I have with teenagers in the service-industry is the fact that they think every restaurant is a frickin’ Starbucks. You get one sushi roll and a water with lemon and you expect us to be at your every beckon when that water gets the least bit empty? Sorry, kids. I got a family of five racking up a $200 bill over here.

And if you have the cajones to come in, take up some of my seats and not want anything but a glass of water, don’t think I’m going to go out of my way to fill that shit up as fast as you bitches drink it. Your bill is $0.00. Even if you give me a 50% tip, that’s zero cents, dipshit.

My only advice for teenagers is to put yourself in our shoes. Most teenagers never get a job in the service industry, so they don’t know that your pay is tied directly to patron’s tips and that you have the prioritize the limited service you can give all your customers. Kid, you’ve got a $4.95 bill. That family has $200. Who’s giving me the better tip? If it’s between a couple of refills for the family and your refill of water, you’d have to be a flaming douche to choose the former.

Also, teenagers, we know you don’t have much money. Hell, by the looks of your tips, even you know you don’t have much money. So then why do you get mad at us when we acknowledge that little nugget of wisdom before you do? By that I mean we don’t go jumping through hoops to get you eight different sauces for your six-piece roll of sushi and then you tip us 5%?

I was a teenager two years ago. I know what it’s like. I know that whenever I go out, I can’t just drop a fat 25% tip. Know what else? I knew that and I did a couple of things for my waiter or waitress:

1. I never bothered him or her unless it was an emergency or unless she hadn’t been to my table in a long while. (And I mean long-long, not ten minutes-long.)
2. If it was a choice between dessert or a couple of dollars for a tip, 90% of the time, I gave a couple more dollars toward the tip. Didn’t seem like much at the time, but as a waiter, I value every frickin’ penny I can squeeze from you people.
3. I made up my frickin’ mind on drinks, meal/appetizer choice and dessert as quickly as I could. If I wasn’t going to be able to tip my server that well, I was going to make damn sure I didn’t get in his or her way of serving the people that could.

In short, don’t be douches, teenagers and we’ll find the time to refill your water with three lemons. We also won’t spit in your food.

Tomorrow, the adults and the grandparents.

This is Part II in a four-part series designed to inform the public on how to be better customers. You can read Part I here, Part III here or Part IV here.

This is Part I in a four-part series designed to inform the public on how to be better customers. You can read Part II here, Part III here or Part IV here.

This weekend, I received this comment on my blog. Just scroll down to the very bottom and look for a user named “HazyJay”. The comment reads as follows (I edited the comment for grammatical purposes):

“One of the industry magazines did do a study on tipping. On average, blacks tip 13%. Whites tip 16.5%. While some of it may be a self-fulfilling prophecy (as in black people don’t tip well, so I will not give them good service) the majority of it is that 63% of black people surveyed were not aware of societal tipping rules as compared to only 30% of whites. Furthermore, after 16 yrs in the biz, I have found tipping is more of a class thing rather than a race thing. Poor people do not tip as well as rich/middle class people (although the rich will find more reasons not to tip) for good service and in this country there is a disproportionate percentage of the poor that are black.”

In short, I think it does a good job of explaining and defending why certain classes/races/groups of people tip the way they do. What I found startling is the fact that 63% of randomly-surveyed black people are not aware of societal tipping rules.

For the next four entries, I think I’m going to explain some common rules and etiquettes that those 63% of blacks and 30% of whites may not be privy to. My first entry is about the societal rules governing tipping.

Societal Tipping Rule #1: The standard on most tipping for good (not great) service is between 15% and 18%.

I say this for the simple fact that 15% to 18% usually works itself out to $9-$10 an hour. And I believe that waiters and waitresses deserve a little more than the guy flipping your burgers or deep-frying your chicken nuggets. Why? Because we have the added bonus (see: joy) of serving you, the customer.

Chick-Fil-A, Taco Bell, McDonalds…you don’t have that extra responsibility. If a customer in fast food wants a drink, the customer (usually) gets it themselves. If a customer in fast food wants some silverware (or rather, plasticware) they get it themselves. Waiters and waitresses should make $2-$3 more an hour because employees in other service industries don’t rely on the customer for their wages.

Sure, when I worked at Target or Chick-Fil-A, I cared if the customer was happy or content with their service. But if I had some closing chores that needed to be done, you can bet your sweet ass I wasn’t hurrying over to the Home And Garden section to help an old lady carry a fica tree out to her car. Servers on the other hand suck the dicks of the customers because they make less than a dollar an hour in actual wages (after taxes). They are working their ass off to refill your Sweet Teas and bring you every shrimp sauce that your little heart desires.

An $8 tip on a $50 bill doesn’t seem so unreasonable now, does it? And laying down a $20 on a check over $120 seems pretty fair, huh?

Of course, this percentage will fluctuate for a minority of situations. For instance, you take up a server and his or her table for an hour but only order $9 worth of food and drink. Is it fair that you give him or her a buck on all those coffee and water refills? No. Throw in a couple more dollars and bump the percentage up to 40% or even 50%.

Or what if a larger party comes in and throws down money on some of the more expensive meals? You, as the server, didn’t work any harder than if they’d ordered less expensive meals. But, those 20 people rang up a $1,000 bill pretty fast. I’d be more than happy with a $100 bill (10%) with the credit card at the end of the meal.

Societal Tipping Rule #2: The bar the customer sets for “good service” is way too frickin’ high.

You ring up a two-hundred-dollar check on your server. That’s for your family of five and the five of you all got between 3 and 5 refills on the night. You also asked for dessert and for your server to sing “Happy Birthday” which they did with a smile on their face and a spring in their step. You look around and notice that your server has four other tables that he or she is busting their ass on.

You think to yourself, “The service was good, but a $40 tip seems pretty high for one family. I’ll leave them $20.”

Now ask yourself: Why the fuck did you just think that?

When you look around and see that your server is running around like a chicken with his head cut off and still got you all your refills (most without even asking), sang you a song and brought out your food piping hot, why is your first thought not “That server is exemplary!”?

Because the bar you customers have set is too high. That server came in and did everything you thought he or she would do. Why is it okay for you to pay the restaurant $200 for what you thought they’d do, but not reciprocate it onto the server? Read my previous rule about tipping percentages and figure out something that’s fair for you and them.

Societal Tipping Rule #3: It’s not the quantity of the service but the quality.

You sit at your table and ring up $100 worth of food. Your server brings it out no problem. It’s nice and hot and the food is considerably better than you thought it would be. The check comes and you think that the server did a really good job, but you only give an 8%-10% tip. Why? Because you never asked him to refill your drink.

There are so many factors that go into “good” service that don’t include refilling drinks that I won’t even go into it here. But I can tell you that refilling drinks is near the bottom of the list.

Why do you think that just because you didn’t ask for good service that you didn’t receive it? The food was hot. You were never thirsty. The waiter or waitress was friendly. What’s frickin’ missing? A song and dance?

So because the quantity of your service was less (but the quality was off the chart) you think the server deserves less? If anything, they deserve more. They were able to keep you happy without you even noticing. What if the opposite were true? What if you got way too many refills that you never asked for and the check far too early? Would you be happier then? Of course not. The quality of your service would be less, so then you’d feel justified in a lower tip. But if the quality of service is there and the quantity is seemingly missing, then don’t worry about it. Your server did their job and is entitled to a decent tip.

Tomorrow, specific advice for the parents of youngsters and teenagers.

This is Part I in a four-part series designed to inform the public on how to be better customers. You can read Part II here, Part III here or Part IV here.

Old Man: “It’s cold in here.”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I just turned on the grill. It should heat up in here in no time.”

(Ten minutes later)

Old Man: “I’m still cold.”
Me: (Put hand above grill and feel that it’s hot.) Well, sir. The chef will be out in just a minute. When he starts cooking, the flames will get you nice and…”
Old Man: “Do you have any blankets I could borrow or rent?”
Me: “Uh…no…we don’t.”

(Ten minutes later. The chef has started cooking on the open grill at their table.)

Old Man: “It’s hot in here.”

We’ve got a frickin’ glacier for you to rent. How about that, sir?

Is it just me or are older people like frickin’ cold-blooded reptiles when it comes to restaurants. If it’s two below room temperature, their blood turns ice-cold in a matter of minutes. Two degrees higher? It’s a sauna, right?

I’ve heard that wisdom comes with age, but I’d like to think I, at twenty-one years old have some good ideas. For example:

1. Don’t get a medium pizza, eat it all and wash it down with seven
dark lager beers at 2am.
2. When it’s your 21st birthday, don’t let your tables find out until AFTER your shift. You’ll get supremely drunk.
3. Don’t get drunk at The Olive Garden. Your girlfriend will never let you live it down.
4. If it’s cold outside, bring a jacket. That way, you can PUT IT ON or TAKE IT OFF at your frickin’ leisure.

Love,
Ryan