This is Part III in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part I here, Part II here, or Part IV here.

In the first part, I gave a couple of universal rules for all servers and in the second part, I went a little deeper into how a server could (rather should) look. Now that we have some basic rules on how to look and approach the table, I’d like to talk about what to do when you actually get there.

Customers aren’t some sort of sub-human species (for the most part). They’re people just like you and me. They like good wine, good food and good company. So why do you think they deserve less of your personality than your friends get after your shift down at the local bar? If anything, we servers should be putting our best face on when greeting these people. They’re not only walking out an hour later lighter in the wallet, they’re paying your rent and electricity bill.

I know I had a tough time with all of this. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. These fuckers are draining my energy and I bet even after I do all this shit for them, they’re still going to stiff me. I mean, hell, look at the statistics! Fuck getting a good tip, my pride’s more important!

My pride lasted about as long as I could put on my shit-eating grin and scrounge up the money to pay the electricity bill and heat my house back up after I didn’t have enough money for both rent and heat in November.

Now, I am not advocating being a bitch and polishing every pair of balls that walks through the door. What I am saying is that if it takes a fake smile and a facade of genuine happiness for the hour or so you’re throwing plates of food and bottles of wine at them, then who the fuck cares?

Customer Service Tip #1: Smile, bitches.

Just motherfucking smile. I mean…damn, people. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been served by a waiter or waitress that just will not smile. It’s happened so often I can’t accept the fact that everyone’s having a bad day.

Everyone that wants their server to frown and make you feel like you’re making them miserable, raise your hand.

That’s what I thought.

I once had a girl come up and introduce herself with this line:

“Hello, my name is Emily. I broke up with my boyfriend an hour before my shift started and I have a paper to write that’s due at midnight. Can I get you all anything to drink?”

I looked at my date and gave her a “what-the-fuck” look. Was this girl kidding? Her pouty frown and glassy eyes said no. Why would you do that to a customer? Now you’re only going to add to your bad day with a night full of shitty tips. Good job, Emily.

Why not just come up with a broken smile and say, “Hello, my name is Emily and I’m having a terrible day” and then sort of fake laugh it off. I might find that funny. I might relate to that. I might give you a better tip. I’m a server, so I’m never going to tip below 18% again. But most people haven’t served. They’re going to stiff you and walk away not happy with you.

Customer Service Tip #2: Read a news outlet often to keep up with pop culture and current events. Find that balance between relevancy and unbelievability.

Just take the first five minutes to feel out a customer, look for something you know something about and fucking ride that wave until you get your tip. If your customer seems to be into politics, you can dredge up some world issues article you read that morning and find a way it fits into your conversation with your customer. If your customer is into baseball, you should at least know the names of the teams in the playoffs.

You can take whatever information you have and either converse a hell of a lot easier with your customer or at least bullshit them like you did your teacher that afternoon.

A customer (like every other person) likes to be talked with, not talked to. Knowing current events and doing a little research has helped me bond (if only for a few minutes) with hundreds of customers. Maybe thousands.

I was once in a city where that city’s college was in the national championship for football. The restaurant was almost empty and my server was wearing the college’s logo on his t-shirt. I asked the server if he was excited about the game. I assumed since a) he went to the college in the game, b) was wearing a shirt with the logo on it and c) it was the afternoon of the game, he would know what I was talking about.

Him: “What game?”
Me: “Oh, the national championship.”
Him: “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Are you ready to order?”

That would have been a perfect fucking time to relate to me, make me feel more comfortable, ANYTHING! But he just shrugged me off. I gave him 20%, but I might have thrown him a couple more dollars if he could just bullshit with me for a few minutes. I didn’t care if he was a football or water polo fan. I just wanted to feel more comfortable.

Customer Service Tip #3: Take an acting class or at the very least read some public speaking tips online.

I cannot tell you how many times my acting classes in high school have come in handy. I’ve already written an entire post on this, but I think it bears repeating: Acting classes and public speaking advice will help you think quicker on your feet and help in your lying. Who the fuck cares if you lie if you can pull it off THE CUSTOMER WILL NEVER FUCKING KNOW.

If you haven’t read that post, please read it.

Tomorrow, closing the deal. What to do between the awkward time between taking up their plates and taking up their tip.

This is Part III in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part I here, Part II here, or Part IV here.

This is Part II in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part I here, Part III here or Part IV here.

The other day I talked about some basic rules governing personal appearance in the restaurant and just how damned important it is. Today, I’d like to delve a little deeper than just how you look and give some advice on personal hygiene.

It should be common sense that personal hygiene is no more important than a job where you’re handling PEOPLE’S FUCKING FOOD, but obviously some people missed the boat on that.

Like just last night I had a server excuse himself to blow his nose. What’s the problem in that, you might ask? Well, he didn’t really excuse himself away from the table. He just blew his nose. In our direction. While we had our plates of food in front of us. He didn’t care to walk away or even have the common decency to turn his head, he just inhaled deeply and let that shit fly out of his nose.

Fuck. That.

Server Hygiene Tip #1: Customers don’t like phlegm and snot and boogers flying everywhere. Ever.

I feel so fucking stupid typing this shit out. Really, I do.

But like I said in Part I, if you have a runny nose don’t greet the table until you get that shit checked out. Ask a fellow co-worker. Look in the mirror. Hell, just blow your nose anyway! You might not be running at the moment, but what. the. fuck. could it hurt?!

And if you do decide that blowing your nose is the right thing to do, then fucking don’t do it in earshot of customers, much less in clear, unobstructed view of them. Sweet Jesus.

Server Hygiene Tip #2: What happens in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom.

I understand that sometimes you might have to really take that piss while having six tables. Or maybe the chicken and rice you ate two hours ago just ain’t sitting right. Fine. Excuse yourself. Make a run of refills quickly and take care of it.

I once had a server shit himself by trying to hold it in too long. And a co-worker. I shit you not. No pun intended.

But if you’re gone for an extended amount of time and then come back, don’t greet us with a:

“Sorry the food’s late, guys. I was just in the bathroom takin’ care of business. Hahahahaha!”

Lie to us. Just fucking lie to us. Here are some applicable lies that I would rather have over thinking of you taking a grumpy right before you handed us our steaming hot plates of food:

1. “I got busy with some customers over at the other side of the restaurant.”
2. “My grandmother’s in the hospital and I had to take a call from my father.”
3. “There were two chicks making out in the freezer.”
4. “The Red Sox were two runs down in the bottom of the ninth.”

Any-fucking-thing will do, asshole! Just don’t let the first thing I think of when I dig my fork into my meal be you squatting over a dingy toilet in a dimly-lit room reading penciled-in graffiti to your right.

Also, do not, under any circumstances, come out of that bathroom with toilet paper on your shoe. And you fuckers wonder why customers tip you less than 18%.

Server Hygiene Tip #3: Dandruff shampoo, deodorant, face wash and razors are worth their weight in gold.

If you have hygiene problems that are a little worse than usual, that’s okay. The facade of a clean, hygienic person is better than the reality of a dry-scalped, pimply-faced fucktard serving me lasagna.

If you’ve got dandruff, I recommend not buying any of that 2-in-1 shit. That stuff doesn’t do a damn thing. Keep it the fuck under control by purchasing separate shampoo and conditioner. I swear, it fucking works better than the stuff where it’s all mixed together.

Do not try and rationalize not buying the stuff because it’s too expensive. Chances are you’ll break even on the ten bucks you spent on heavy-duty bottles shampoo and conditioner with the first customer you don’t gross the fuck out with the North Pole you used to have on your shoulders.

It’s okay if you have dry scalp. If you buy some Pert Plus and keep that shit under control, for the hour or so I’m in your restaurant, I will never know.

In terms of deodorant, do not buy the spray stuff or the flaky, white stick stuff. The gel deodorant keeps you smelling good for a hell of a lot longer than the white stick or spray stuff. Gel also prevents sweating. For anyone that’s ever been served by a dude with terrible arm pit stains knows what I’m talking about.

I know it sounds shallow and sometimes it’s unavoidable, but pimples gross me out. On myself, on other people…shit, those things are fucking gross. If you have oily skin, buy some face wash to use in the shower. If you don’t know what’s good for you, ask your girlfriend. Or your mother. Or the decrepit young woman working in the Hygiene Aisle. It’s worth it, pizza face.

Guys, if you can pull off the scruffy, I-haven’t-shaved-in-three-days look, then go for it. You obviously know what you’re doing. For the 90% of us that can’t, shave before you go into work. And girls, if you have a hairy upper lip and you don’t have time to wax that day, just use a razor. Like I said, the facade of a hairless upper lip is better than the reality of a girl with one.

Monday, I’m going to rail all the fucking servers out there with no personality and try and wake you the fuck up to the fact that we, as customers, like to feel at ease with the person handing us our food.

This is Part II in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part I here, Part III here or Part IV here.

This is Part I in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part II here, Part III here or Part IV here.

Last March, I wrote a four-part series informing the public how to be better customers and filling them in on societal laws that govern the restaurant industry that they’re either blissfully ignorant of or just too fucking stupid to follow.

I took some time off from being a waiter to work on a lot of things. It’s my senior year of college and I’d raise my GPA, build a portfolio for when I go out into the “real world” and just plain have fun with my friends before I’m…well…never going to see them again.

I’ve got a lot more free time now, so I tend to eat out a little more frequently than before. And I’ve noticed one thing:

A lot of servers have no fucking clue how to serve a table.

So, just as I felt convicted to explain to the meathead-customers how to act in fucking public, I feel an onus of responsibility to inform some waiters and waitresses that some (or all) of what they’re doing is wrong. And some things they’re not doing, they should.

This first part focuses on physical appearance and what it means to the restaurant industry. (Hint: Almost everything.)

And I know that sounds a bit superficial. Let me explain. I’m not saying you need to look like pre-pregnant Britney Spears when getting a table their cheeseburger. God knows I wouldn’t have lasted very long if that were the case. What I am saying is that you should look presentable. Being hygienic and well-kept is the key.

Universal Server Rule #1 Hygiene is the single most important thing in the restaurant industry.

I’ll delve into this a bit more in future parts, but I cannot stress enough how important it is to have proper hygiene when serving tables.

If people are comfortable, they’ll be prone to be happier. If you didn’t take a shower that morning and pull an oops-I-forgot-to-put-on-deodorant before you come into work, how are your customers going to be comfortable? In terms of hygiene, treat your table like your boyfriend or your girlfriend. You need to smell nice, you need to wash your hands, you need to comb your hair.

If you haven’t the social awareness to get clean for your boyfriend or girlfriend, you need deeper help than a stupid guide to servers on a website can give you.

For guys, pretend going to work is like going on a date. If you can, take a shower. If you can’t, wash your face. Soap is a plus. Shave. Brush your motherfucking teeth. Christ, I don’t care if you think you have immaculate gums, you brush your fucking teeth. Halitosis and halibut dinners do not mix. Comb your hair.

For girls, physical appearance is even more important because of social binaries and societal pressures put on women to concentrate on outward appearance.

Yea, yea, yea…bitch, bitch, bitch.

But do you know what the difference between making $80 in a night and making $150 in a night is? Good-smelling hair. White teeth for smiling. A laugh that doesn’t expel disgusting fumes my way. I think women have this down better than men though. I hope.

Universal Server Rule #2: For the love of God, learn to dress yourself.

(This rule applies to restaurants. If you work in a cafe for hippies or a coffeeshop downtown somewhere, rules are going to be a bit more lax.)

Some things I would suggest:

1. If you’re wearing black skate shoes to work with holes all over, something is wrong. Do you know how gross it is to be greeted by a server where you can see his socks through his shoes and you can tell exactly how wet it is in the server hallway by how many chicken guts and dish water are attached to the sock? Your customer is now sufficiently grossed out.

2. Tuck in your shirt. If you type up an argument, I’d like to point out that it takes less time to tuck that shirt in than it did for you to bitch me out on MY blog.

3. If you’ve got a bunch of tattoos, wear long sleeves. Not everyone likes tattoos and the majority of people 30 and over fall into that category. The majority of your customer base are people 30 and over. Commutative property, bitches. Look it up.

Universal Server Rule #3: Things like blowing your nose and washing your hands should be motherfucking automatic you sick sons of bitches.

I have had servers with dried, crusted, forest green snot on their upper lip and that shit is NOT kosher. If there’s not a mirror in the server’s hallway and you know you’ve got a runny nose, go to the bathroom and check that shit out. I’d trade being dealt with two minutes later than thinking of that shit on your upper lip as I’m eating my pesto.

And speaking of bathrooms, wash your hands. Wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your motherfucking hands. I have had servers refill my drinks and have the glass coming away smelling like piss. Thank God I don’t drink Mountain Dew or I’d be scarred.

Friday, specific advice on hygiene and some of the most disgusting servers I’ve ever had the “pleasure” of encountering.

This is Part I in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part II here, Part III here or Part IV here.

There’s a girl named Emily at our work. My friend Marybeth works with her quite often. This girl, Emily, will quite literally talk about herself all day long.

For instance, after hours of working, she walked up to Marybeth and said “I really don’t know my hair stays so silky smooth all. day. long.” This is while stroking her black head of hair like a horse’s mane or something. Marybeth, on the other hand, is red in the face from (get this) running around and earning her money.

All the guys in the house: Who would you rather date? Really? I rest my case, Emily.

And that’s not the half of it. This is the same girl that asked me THE DAY I CAME INTO TOWN FROM SIX WEEKS ON THE ROAD PLAYING DRUMS IF I WOULD PICK UP HER SHIFT THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON. This is the same girl that will literally get pissed at you when you won’t give her your Friday night shift. This is the same girl that, when given a shift out of the goodness of someone’s (i.e. mine) heart will try and get out of work a few hours early because she’s bored.

Oh, is all that hair not exciting enough?