Sometimes, I’m the idiot.

Tonight was incredibly fast and as a result, didn’t have time to think before I said or did things. I was acting on pure instinct and ritual, which with someone like me (see: jackass) is not a good thing.

I was sat a couple. The man was a literal dwarf. He stood three feet high and his feet hung off the chair. The only reason I didn’t think he was a child was because he had 1) the diction of a thirty-year old and 2) a beard.

So I’m running around and I notice the guy is running out of Sprite. I sprint through the server’s hallway, get him a Sprite on my way to another table and drop it off. What I said as I dropped off the drink was neither intentional nor in mean spirit, but for some ungodly, unneccessary reason, in my brain of brains, I decided it would be a good idea to tag on a “Here you go, big guy” to the drop-off of the drink.

What in the hell is wrong with me?

I didn’t turn around as I walked away. All I could think was that I had bought at least six or seven one-way tickets to Hell with that little comment and I didn’t even do it on purpose.

For the rest of their time there, I made sure to put that guy’s needs above everyone else’s as I tried to recoup some sort of dignity from calling the ONLY FRICKIN’ LITTLE PERSON I’VE SERVED “big guy”.

There’s a special circle in Hell designed for people like me.

Male Customer (most likely a bro): “Can I get a Jack Daniels and whiskey? It’s my birthday.”
Me: “A…uh…what?”
Male Customer: “A Jack Daniels and whiskey, dude. How hard could that be?”
Me: “About as hard as making a Crown Royal and rum. Dude.”

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but when a couple goes out to eat, is it not the man who takes up the check most of the time? I’d give it a 9:1 ratio of dudes paying to dudettes paying. Obviously, the woman I served last night didn’t have her little (yes, very little) head wrapped around that little fact as she complained ad nauseum that I didn’t give her the check.

Her: “Ummm…why did you just assume that HE was going to pay for it?”
Me: “Because guys usually pick up the check.”
Her: “EXCUSE me?”
Me: “Ummm…”
Her: “That is soooo sexist!”
Me: “Well, here you go.”

And then I handed her the check. I went to go pick it up a little bit later, ran the credit card through and put the bill back on the table in front of her. Not a minute later, I saw the GUY signing his name because it was HIS credit card.

What a douchette. She bitches me out over principle and then doesn’t even follow through with it. At least the guy was cool. He gave me a 50% tip and a “Sorry my girlfriend’s a b****” on the bottom of the receipt. So, if anyone knows of a Benjamin B. Rossain with a high-strung-for-absolutely-no-reason girlfriend, give him a high-five for me because he 1) has her for a girlfriend and 2) frickin’ deserves it.

Why am I bringing this comment to you all’s attention? I want some feedback. Am I too young to be writing this thing? Do you think, from reading my posts, that I did the exact same thing I’m bitching about in my posts? Should I adopt Dekrapitator’s “America’s customers are broke so don’t fix them” defeatist, apathetic attitude? Let me know.

Dekrapitator Says:
February 23rd, 2008 at 10:10 e
Hey, Junior, you’re just a college kid, and your “been there, done that, seen it all” attitude is laughable. I was a waiter during my college years too, and I understand the whole “only people my age have any clue how to behave” deal. I understand that it’s a big rush to be 2 or 3 long years removed from your high school days, and therefore the World’s Foremost Authority On Life In The Real World. However, you forget that just 2 or 3 years ago, you were doing the exact same thing you’re crying about now.

Welcome to Adult America. Adult Americans often are assholes. I know it’s a shock at your age, but that’s the deal, Slugger. They trash your tables and leave a 2 dollar tip on a $60 bill. They ask you shit like “Are you new here, or is the cook?”, and engage in a multitude of other nauseating behaviors. They pretty much beg you to add extra “ingredients” to their meal. We did it, and so should you.

Deal with the bullshit involved with waiting on tables, or go knit sweaters in the comfort of your efficiency apartment for a living. Some people deal with far more horrifying conditions for a buck, Tiger.

Ryan Says:
February 24th, 2008 at 12:59 e
A few things, Dekrapitator (if that is your real name).

I don’t consider myself the World’s Foremost Authority on anything. I write stories on a website. I try to make them funny and entertaining. I do it because it’s therapeutic for me to write them and my audience to read them. As far as your picking up on my of “Been There, Done That” attitude…well…I have been there. And I’ve done it. I amthere. I’m doingit. Two years running, dude.

I also wasn’t “doing the exact same thing” when I was in high school. The only difference between then and now is about a 15% increase in tip (from 15-20% to 30-35%).

I don’t really understand what you’re bashing…the fact that I’m 22 or that I’ve somehow gotten it right in my writing. I don’t necessarily see what there is to cause such hostility.

At any rate, I’d like to see what kind of debate we can stir up. Anyone agree with Dekrapitator? Disagree? Let the ignorance commence!

P.S. You might want to try changing the email address. Any Yahoo account with the words “nuclear”, “war”, and two x’s is in need of a SERIOUS revamping.

Love,
Ryan