How To Serve: Part IV - Between The Check And Their Ass Hitting The Door
This is Part IV in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part I here, Part II here, or Part III here.
Okay, you’ve tucked in your fucking shirt, you’re making up some bullshit story to an ex-baseball player about how you injured your tibiscus miniscus remula something or other. Good job! You’re doing what the 95% of us competent servers out there would see as the equivalent of rubbing your stomach and patting your head at the same fucking time.
Again: Good job! Your mom wasn’t lying when she said you were special.
Now the customer is winding down in their dinner. When do you give them their check? When is it appropriate to take up their plates? What about their glasses? All of the things you shouldn’t do were exemplified when I was at a restaurant a long, long while ago in a galaxy far, far away . I was in the middle of a discussion with a ladyfriend of mine and the server asked if I needed anything else. I politely said no when the pimply-faced fucktard took my immediate contentment with a wish to have my plate taken out from under me.
Never, ever take a plate with any food on it. Always ask if the customer is doing alright. And then if they haven’t touched their food in a little bit or if they have their fork on their plate, ask if they need a to-go box. You can even joke about it if they clearly have an empty plate in front of them.
They’ll laugh, you’ll put your shit-eating grin on and everyone’s happy, right? Right.
Well, the douche took my plate even after I called out that I wasn’t done. Strike one, bro.
Then the guy brings out the check, puts it on the table and walks away without even a “I hope you guys enjoyed your meal.” Plus, my ladyfriend still has food. Now she feels like a fucking whale because she still has half a plate of food and I’m all done.
Always hand the check off with a little tagline. And never fucking drop off the check when the lady’s still eating. Christ! Even my nine year old beagle, Toby, could come up with something for a tagline and he’s not dumb enough to take a plate of food that a bigger animal is still biting into. Shit!
P.S. It doesn’t hurt to smile when I’m laying down some good money for a meal. I hear it makes customers feel a little better about giving you money that they technically don’t have to. (But, really, what kind of douche or douchette wouldn’t tip?)
So now she’s taking a few bites, but she’s resigned to leaving the restaurant a little less full and content than she would like. I tell her it’s okay that she keep eating but the awkwardness is there and it has ruined her appetite. Strike two, asswipe.
I put my credit card in the little booklet thing, but I don’t have it sticking out of the top. There wasn’t a little pouch for that to happen. (I looked. I know how frustrating it is, as a server, to not know if the card’s in there or not.) To compensate, I stand the booklet up. Seems pretty damned obvious, eh?
Not with the missing link as my maitre d’.
He comes over ten minutes later with one of these:
“You haven’t put the card in the booklet yet?”
Always ask “Is this ready?” or “May I take care of this for you?” Never get slightly angry at your customer even if he is acting like a douche unless you’re willing to trade a shitty tip for your pride.
Now it’s just getting comical. My ladyfriend is laughing a little bit and I’m taking it all in stride. Ironically, this guy’s only helping but he’s still doing a terrible fucking job. Strike three, dipshit.
It doesn’t stop there, folks. The guy’s not done even after he strikes out. I give him the 20% tip I give all servers because I’ve been there (and I still am there). I’m walking out and after looking at his tip asks if everything was okay. I say it was only because I want to get the hell out of there. He then makes a reference to a comment I made about working at a restaurant a few miles down the road and that he thought “a fellow server would tip a lot more.”
I about lost my fucking shit. Strike four. Does this Frenchy even know how to play baseball?
Me: “20% is fine, dude. Especially since I, nor my date, ate our entire meal.”
Him: “It’s not my fault you weren’t that hungry.”
The Ladyfriend: “We still are hungry.”
Him: “Excuse me?”
The Ladyfriend: “You took our plates before we were done…”
Me: “…and you’re lucky you took away any tip at all.”
As we got into my car, the ladyfriend said something funny:
“You should put this on that stupid I Serve Idiots site of yours.”
This is Part IV in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part I here, Part II here, or Part III here.
October 19th, 2007 at 11:53
[…] This is Part I in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part II here, Part III here or Part IV here. […]
October 19th, 2007 at 11:54
[…] This is Part II in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part I here, Part III here or Part IV here. […]
October 19th, 2007 at 11:54
[…] This is Part III in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part I here, Part II here, or Part IV here. […]
October 19th, 2007 at 3:25
Man, it drives me nuts when they start taking away plates before everyone is finished.
Easy version of the rule:
“Never take an empty plate until everyone is finished.”
I’ve started making it much harder for servers to do this by not putting my silverware on the plate until I see that everyone else is finished. I’m guessing the guy from your story would’ve found a way around that…
October 21st, 2007 at 11:08
So he violated pretty much every rule you think a server should follow to do a good job and you still tipped him 20%.
You are either a saint or you suffered some kind of head injury as a child.
October 22nd, 2007 at 12:30
I will tip 20% always…I’ll just never go back to that restaurant.
October 23rd, 2007 at 6:53
I serve tables in a restaurant that is obviously a different style of establishment than yours (more the ‘diner’ type; a ‘turn and burn’ sort of place… you know, general American grease, platters are $8, and fucking hand-dipped milkshakes… grrr milkshakes), and though I personally agree with pretty much all of what you have said, this is not how all management wants things done. At my job, we are NEVER to offer to-go plates (or straws or extra napkins… they want it, they can ask for it). I’ve given tables with kids (read: mess) two extra napkins and been promptly bitched out by the owner’s wife. They want us to pre-bus tables ASAP to get people out faster (I do always ask if I may take a customer’s plate- not “Are you doing alright?” but literally “Can I get that out of your way?”). Still, amazing how doing what I think is good service gets me yelled at for wasting the business’s money. Hell, once I watched the owner’s wife rinse out the to-go container she had from her lunch from a different place. She took it and put it in our stack of containers, like I would ever even consider reusing it. It wasn’t even the same color as ours! I threw it away after she left. Anyway, just wanted to mention that sometimes what you may think is bad service is management-mandated…
October 25th, 2007 at 12:03
Your poor ladyfriend, leaving hungry! I would have finished anyway. Screw Mister Waiter-Who-Can’t-Keep-His-Balls-in-his-Sack.
November 12th, 2007 at 1:03
Sometimes servers suck….but sometimes they had really rough days or are in hour 10 or 11 of their shift — haven’t eaten. sat down, had any water, gone to pee…
This server still sounds crappy…..
You were completely justified…plus NOBODY should bitch about 20% unless they wanted you to make ALL their drinks blue and wanted you to sing happy birthday on their own time(when the kid is actually AT the table for it)..
Love the page - I’ve added your link to my page!
Waiter’s Revenge
November 16th, 2007 at 2:21
Laughing my ass off- you are a good person I would not have given him a full tip if i didn’t get to eat my full meal
March 16th, 2008 at 2:16
you can discount all the servers faux pas to bad day or whatever but the commentary on the tip amount COMPLETELY out of line. I would suspect based on the mistakes AND the comment he isnt a vet server as us vet know some of the most critical guest you ever wait on are fellow servers. We can be very nitpicky bastards.
Personally having grown up in retail and made a career out of waiting I can read a business within 5 minutes of entering it. I will know 5 min after my greet at a table how big my server’s section is and how busy that section is. All I ask is they check in once and a while and that my ice tea gets refilled before I eat all the ice. Yeah I am a drink swiller. I certainly dont expect it to be refilled every time it hits the half empty point as that means I will ingest WAY too much tea.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:55
You are such a saint! I understand never tipping below 20% but for the love of God!
You’d think being presentable, gracious and polite when dealing with the public is something ANYONE in costumer service of any kind would understand.
Too bad common sense isn’t common.