This is Part III in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part I here, Part II here, or Part IV here.

In the first part, I gave a couple of universal rules for all servers and in the second part, I went a little deeper into how a server could (rather should) look. Now that we have some basic rules on how to look and approach the table, I’d like to talk about what to do when you actually get there.

Customers aren’t some sort of sub-human species (for the most part). They’re people just like you and me. They like good wine, good food and good company. So why do you think they deserve less of your personality than your friends get after your shift down at the local bar? If anything, we servers should be putting our best face on when greeting these people. They’re not only walking out an hour later lighter in the wallet, they’re paying your rent and electricity bill.

I know I had a tough time with all of this. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. These fuckers are draining my energy and I bet even after I do all this shit for them, they’re still going to stiff me. I mean, hell, look at the statistics! Fuck getting a good tip, my pride’s more important!

My pride lasted about as long as I could put on my shit-eating grin and scrounge up the money to pay the electricity bill and heat my house back up after I didn’t have enough money for both rent and heat in November.

Now, I am not advocating being a bitch and polishing every pair of balls that walks through the door. What I am saying is that if it takes a fake smile and a facade of genuine happiness for the hour or so you’re throwing plates of food and bottles of wine at them, then who the fuck cares?

Customer Service Tip #1: Smile, bitches.

Just motherfucking smile. I mean…damn, people. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been served by a waiter or waitress that just will not smile. It’s happened so often I can’t accept the fact that everyone’s having a bad day.

Everyone that wants their server to frown and make you feel like you’re making them miserable, raise your hand.

That’s what I thought.

I once had a girl come up and introduce herself with this line:

“Hello, my name is Emily. I broke up with my boyfriend an hour before my shift started and I have a paper to write that’s due at midnight. Can I get you all anything to drink?”

I looked at my date and gave her a “what-the-fuck” look. Was this girl kidding? Her pouty frown and glassy eyes said no. Why would you do that to a customer? Now you’re only going to add to your bad day with a night full of shitty tips. Good job, Emily.

Why not just come up with a broken smile and say, “Hello, my name is Emily and I’m having a terrible day” and then sort of fake laugh it off. I might find that funny. I might relate to that. I might give you a better tip. I’m a server, so I’m never going to tip below 18% again. But most people haven’t served. They’re going to stiff you and walk away not happy with you.

Customer Service Tip #2: Read a news outlet often to keep up with pop culture and current events. Find that balance between relevancy and unbelievability.

Just take the first five minutes to feel out a customer, look for something you know something about and fucking ride that wave until you get your tip. If your customer seems to be into politics, you can dredge up some world issues article you read that morning and find a way it fits into your conversation with your customer. If your customer is into baseball, you should at least know the names of the teams in the playoffs.

You can take whatever information you have and either converse a hell of a lot easier with your customer or at least bullshit them like you did your teacher that afternoon.

A customer (like every other person) likes to be talked with, not talked to. Knowing current events and doing a little research has helped me bond (if only for a few minutes) with hundreds of customers. Maybe thousands.

I was once in a city where that city’s college was in the national championship for football. The restaurant was almost empty and my server was wearing the college’s logo on his t-shirt. I asked the server if he was excited about the game. I assumed since a) he went to the college in the game, b) was wearing a shirt with the logo on it and c) it was the afternoon of the game, he would know what I was talking about.

Him: “What game?”
Me: “Oh, the national championship.”
Him: “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Are you ready to order?”

That would have been a perfect fucking time to relate to me, make me feel more comfortable, ANYTHING! But he just shrugged me off. I gave him 20%, but I might have thrown him a couple more dollars if he could just bullshit with me for a few minutes. I didn’t care if he was a football or water polo fan. I just wanted to feel more comfortable.

Customer Service Tip #3: Take an acting class or at the very least read some public speaking tips online.

I cannot tell you how many times my acting classes in high school have come in handy. I’ve already written an entire post on this, but I think it bears repeating: Acting classes and public speaking advice will help you think quicker on your feet and help in your lying. Who the fuck cares if you lie if you can pull it off THE CUSTOMER WILL NEVER FUCKING KNOW.

If you haven’t read that post, please read it.

Tomorrow, closing the deal. What to do between the awkward time between taking up their plates and taking up their tip.

This is Part III in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part I here, Part II here, or Part IV here.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 15th, 2007 at 12:48 and is filed under Co-workers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.