This is Part II in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part I here, Part III here or Part IV here.

The other day I talked about some basic rules governing personal appearance in the restaurant and just how damned important it is. Today, I’d like to delve a little deeper than just how you look and give some advice on personal hygiene.

It should be common sense that personal hygiene is no more important than a job where you’re handling PEOPLE’S FUCKING FOOD, but obviously some people missed the boat on that.

Like just last night I had a server excuse himself to blow his nose. What’s the problem in that, you might ask? Well, he didn’t really excuse himself away from the table. He just blew his nose. In our direction. While we had our plates of food in front of us. He didn’t care to walk away or even have the common decency to turn his head, he just inhaled deeply and let that shit fly out of his nose.

Fuck. That.

Server Hygiene Tip #1: Customers don’t like phlegm and snot and boogers flying everywhere. Ever.

I feel so fucking stupid typing this shit out. Really, I do.

But like I said in Part I, if you have a runny nose don’t greet the table until you get that shit checked out. Ask a fellow co-worker. Look in the mirror. Hell, just blow your nose anyway! You might not be running at the moment, but what. the. fuck. could it hurt?!

And if you do decide that blowing your nose is the right thing to do, then fucking don’t do it in earshot of customers, much less in clear, unobstructed view of them. Sweet Jesus.

Server Hygiene Tip #2: What happens in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom.

I understand that sometimes you might have to really take that piss while having six tables. Or maybe the chicken and rice you ate two hours ago just ain’t sitting right. Fine. Excuse yourself. Make a run of refills quickly and take care of it.

I once had a server shit himself by trying to hold it in too long. And a co-worker. I shit you not. No pun intended.

But if you’re gone for an extended amount of time and then come back, don’t greet us with a:

“Sorry the food’s late, guys. I was just in the bathroom takin’ care of business. Hahahahaha!”

Lie to us. Just fucking lie to us. Here are some applicable lies that I would rather have over thinking of you taking a grumpy right before you handed us our steaming hot plates of food:

1. “I got busy with some customers over at the other side of the restaurant.”
2. “My grandmother’s in the hospital and I had to take a call from my father.”
3. “There were two chicks making out in the freezer.”
4. “The Red Sox were two runs down in the bottom of the ninth.”

Any-fucking-thing will do, asshole! Just don’t let the first thing I think of when I dig my fork into my meal be you squatting over a dingy toilet in a dimly-lit room reading penciled-in graffiti to your right.

Also, do not, under any circumstances, come out of that bathroom with toilet paper on your shoe. And you fuckers wonder why customers tip you less than 18%.

Server Hygiene Tip #3: Dandruff shampoo, deodorant, face wash and razors are worth their weight in gold.

If you have hygiene problems that are a little worse than usual, that’s okay. The facade of a clean, hygienic person is better than the reality of a dry-scalped, pimply-faced fucktard serving me lasagna.

If you’ve got dandruff, I recommend not buying any of that 2-in-1 shit. That stuff doesn’t do a damn thing. Keep it the fuck under control by purchasing separate shampoo and conditioner. I swear, it fucking works better than the stuff where it’s all mixed together.

Do not try and rationalize not buying the stuff because it’s too expensive. Chances are you’ll break even on the ten bucks you spent on heavy-duty bottles shampoo and conditioner with the first customer you don’t gross the fuck out with the North Pole you used to have on your shoulders.

It’s okay if you have dry scalp. If you buy some Pert Plus and keep that shit under control, for the hour or so I’m in your restaurant, I will never know.

In terms of deodorant, do not buy the spray stuff or the flaky, white stick stuff. The gel deodorant keeps you smelling good for a hell of a lot longer than the white stick or spray stuff. Gel also prevents sweating. For anyone that’s ever been served by a dude with terrible arm pit stains knows what I’m talking about.

I know it sounds shallow and sometimes it’s unavoidable, but pimples gross me out. On myself, on other people…shit, those things are fucking gross. If you have oily skin, buy some face wash to use in the shower. If you don’t know what’s good for you, ask your girlfriend. Or your mother. Or the decrepit young woman working in the Hygiene Aisle. It’s worth it, pizza face.

Guys, if you can pull off the scruffy, I-haven’t-shaved-in-three-days look, then go for it. You obviously know what you’re doing. For the 90% of us that can’t, shave before you go into work. And girls, if you have a hairy upper lip and you don’t have time to wax that day, just use a razor. Like I said, the facade of a hairless upper lip is better than the reality of a girl with one.

Monday, I’m going to rail all the fucking servers out there with no personality and try and wake you the fuck up to the fact that we, as customers, like to feel at ease with the person handing us our food.

This is Part II in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part I here, Part III here or Part IV here.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 12th, 2007 at 12:19 and is filed under Co-workers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.