Why I Hate New Jersey. Also, Know That If You’re From New Jersey, You’re Probably An Asshole And/Or You Probably Hate Me.
A conversation from earlier this morning. I’m on the phone with a customer who thinks “customer” means “free-for-all to try and get in my panties” who has let me know that I don’t have to treat him like a “regular” customer because he is “special”. I can be “myself” with him.
Great. It’s going to be one of those days.
Customer: “Okay, so I will be in D.C. on Sunday…”
Me: “How lovely for you. Unfortunately we are closed on Sundays so you can’t stop by the office to pick up those products you ordered.”
Customer: “I was thinking that on my way home I could stop off to see a good friend. Namely…you.”
Me: “Um, sir, did you fail local geography?! Oh wait. you’re from Jersey. I can’t hold it against you, I suppose. Or, I can and will and you can’t do anything about it.”
Customer: “What do you mean? That wasn’t nice either. I’m the customer! I’m always right! You can’t make fun of me!”
Me: “Darling, no matter how badly you want to marry me, I will never stop making fun of New Jersey. It is in my blood! And it’s my full-time hobby. Whenever I have to fill out those stupid things to be introduced into new community events, etc. I put under the hobbies section ‘Mocker Of New Jersey’ or ‘Personal Representative Of Death To All New Jersians’.”
I pause and laugh at the term “Jersian” and silently applaud my clever word skills.
Customer: “Okay, enough!”
Me: (brashly soldering on) “I even have a little speech prepared regarding what I think New Jersey is good for. Oh please, don’t tell me you have fond feelings that run deep in your heart for New Jersey, the fair Garden State! Your one true love?
Customer: (in a very injured tone) “I now live in Philly. Doesn’t that count for something?!”
Me: (thoughtfully) “Not really. You see, my hate for New Jersey runs deep. It is just as much a part of me as my perfect breasts!”
Customer: (laughing nervously) “You are silly, and yes, you do have those.”
I have him right where I want him now.
Me: “I mean, seriously, how the hell can you claim that as your home state when the state dance is the square dance?!”
Customer: “ENOUGH!”
Me: “And when you have a STATE DINOSAUR!”
(They have a state dinosaur. Look it the fuck up.)
Customer: (groans) “Let’s talk more about your breasts!”
Me: “No, this is more fun.”
Customer: “Send me a good morning Monday picture of yourself!”
Me: “Delaware has wisely chosen to avoid mockery and not have a state dinosaur. We have better things to do than elect extinct creatures are representatives of ourselves. I mean, can you imagine chartering that bill?!”
Customer: “Uhhh…”
Me: “‘Hello, New Jersians. I clearly have too much time on my hands, in between my busy schedule of killing people, overly gelling my hair and being obnoxious, so I thought I’d introduce a bill so we can proudly talk about our state dinosaur over dinner.’ Now, doesn’t that sound lovely? And don’t you respect me more as a public servant and leader?!”
Customer: (through tightly clenched teeth) “That is nice.”
Me: “I think if I ever run for office, that will be my first bill for sure. A NATIONAL dinosaur. So, in foreign policy we can remind people just how badass we are. WE HAVE A NATIONAL DINOSAUR and they DON’T. So they should be quaking in their very boots. Fuck nuclear power! We’ve got dinosaurs!”
Customer: “I just wanted a nice Monday morning chat with my favorite customer service representative and maybe even a picture?”
Me: “How does a picture of a dinosaur sound?”
October 11th, 2007 at 11:39
I’m from New Jersey and I have to try and defend our state all the time. Yes I agree we have alot of idiots in our state, mainly from north jersey (those are the ones that gel their hair and drive around in their expensive cars that their parents bought for them). We also have all the people from south jersey, who are heavily influenced by Philly and relate everything they do to the city they don’t live in. So we got north jersey idiots who are influenced by New York, and south jersey influenced by Philly. Now that does make up 2/3 of the state, CENTRAL jersey makes up for all of that. I’m talking right in the center on the beach. Towns like Avon-By-The-Sea, Bradley Beach, Spring Lake, Sea Girt, Ocean Grove. These are the great parts about New jersey. Not many people know about them though. This is where the real people of New Jersey reside. Our area is mostly a ghost town in the winter, but we make all our money off the people who come to our beaches and restaurants in the summer. Most new jersey teenagers and young twenties work in restaurants in the summer and live off that for the year. These people are hard working, loyal, and real. Nothing fake about them. My family owns a local fish market in Neptune so I have been in the business all my life. We have to deal with all the idiots in the summer but Central Jersey on the shore is a great place.
October 11th, 2007 at 11:40
Oh and I agree the dinosaur thing is pretty stupid, but if you think about it, it is hilarious they actually put the time and effort into doing that.
October 12th, 2007 at 5:54
Hadrosaurus foulkii?? Isn’t that the duck-looking dinosaur? They couldn’t even pick something awesome like the T-Rex … what a bunch of pansies.
October 12th, 2007 at 9:52
Wow, there was nothing funny in that entire post. What’s it feel like to laugh at your own jokes?
October 12th, 2007 at 10:27
This post has ruined your blog Ryan.
This post was completely unfunny and sounded faker than the writer’s breasts. Bring back YOUR OWN good stories, that’s why we keep coming back!
October 12th, 2007 at 12:10
I agree… NOT funny!
October 12th, 2007 at 1:08
i agree with heather and emilie…just stick to your own stories.
October 14th, 2007 at 6:44
how can you hate a post that references perfect breasts?
October 17th, 2007 at 1:19
I had to read this because of the New Jersey reference. Back in August I went to a triple bill show in Jersey, traveled from North Carolina for it, was a damn good deal for who was playing. I traveled and on the way, not only got a speeding ticket in VA, but toll violations in 3 states. Finally upon arriving to Joisey….I find myself in the worst ‘hood I have ever been in. In fact, was cautioned by the ONE person who would even TALK to a white person in that ‘hood, that everyone was packin’. Well, considering everyone was staring at us, and whatnot, guess what we decide to do? We go INTO a corner liquor store, and buy some Jack, and papers, and here comes our gaurdian angel……She was about 50, and apparantly a very kind soul to get us out of there alive. Hell, we dropped about 75 cents worth of change on the floor, and everyone dove for it like a feeding frenzy. She gave ‘em all hell, but we said it’s nothing….and that’s when we heard the comment “must be nice”….
Must be nice? Ummm, I don’t think so….I actually needed that 75 cents…I am a poor mofo, and just because I am white, does NOT mean I am rich.
That was in Camden, Joisey…..and I tell you what, between that and the f’d up road signs there, I am not looking forward to any trip back to Camden (philly influenced as referred to from above), though I would have to say if I did end up back there, at least I know where NOT to go.
p.s. we really do come here for YOUR stories….if we wanted someone else’s we would read a different blog. No offense, Sarah, in fact, you should start your own blog….I’m sure that you would be providing plenty of stories to fill it….
October 17th, 2007 at 11:13
Damn, Arylinnia. You tell Sarah to get her own blog and yet you make your own damn post in the comments section…
October 22nd, 2007 at 1:00
Yeah.. that was the dumbest shit I ever read.. I actually think the girl is more of a tool then the customer was.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:57
The above posters may not be amused, but I’ve been laughing for the past two hours just reding the random stories. Good work.