This is Part I in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part II here, Part III here or Part IV here.

Last March, I wrote a four-part series informing the public how to be better customers and filling them in on societal laws that govern the restaurant industry that they’re either blissfully ignorant of or just too fucking stupid to follow.

I took some time off from being a waiter to work on a lot of things. It’s my senior year of college and I’d raise my GPA, build a portfolio for when I go out into the “real world” and just plain have fun with my friends before I’m…well…never going to see them again.

I’ve got a lot more free time now, so I tend to eat out a little more frequently than before. And I’ve noticed one thing:

A lot of servers have no fucking clue how to serve a table.

So, just as I felt convicted to explain to the meathead-customers how to act in fucking public, I feel an onus of responsibility to inform some waiters and waitresses that some (or all) of what they’re doing is wrong. And some things they’re not doing, they should.

This first part focuses on physical appearance and what it means to the restaurant industry. (Hint: Almost everything.)

And I know that sounds a bit superficial. Let me explain. I’m not saying you need to look like pre-pregnant Britney Spears when getting a table their cheeseburger. God knows I wouldn’t have lasted very long if that were the case. What I am saying is that you should look presentable. Being hygienic and well-kept is the key.

Universal Server Rule #1 Hygiene is the single most important thing in the restaurant industry.

I’ll delve into this a bit more in future parts, but I cannot stress enough how important it is to have proper hygiene when serving tables.

If people are comfortable, they’ll be prone to be happier. If you didn’t take a shower that morning and pull an oops-I-forgot-to-put-on-deodorant before you come into work, how are your customers going to be comfortable? In terms of hygiene, treat your table like your boyfriend or your girlfriend. You need to smell nice, you need to wash your hands, you need to comb your hair.

If you haven’t the social awareness to get clean for your boyfriend or girlfriend, you need deeper help than a stupid guide to servers on a website can give you.

For guys, pretend going to work is like going on a date. If you can, take a shower. If you can’t, wash your face. Soap is a plus. Shave. Brush your motherfucking teeth. Christ, I don’t care if you think you have immaculate gums, you brush your fucking teeth. Halitosis and halibut dinners do not mix. Comb your hair.

For girls, physical appearance is even more important because of social binaries and societal pressures put on women to concentrate on outward appearance.

Yea, yea, yea…bitch, bitch, bitch.

But do you know what the difference between making $80 in a night and making $150 in a night is? Good-smelling hair. White teeth for smiling. A laugh that doesn’t expel disgusting fumes my way. I think women have this down better than men though. I hope.

Universal Server Rule #2: For the love of God, learn to dress yourself.

(This rule applies to restaurants. If you work in a cafe for hippies or a coffeeshop downtown somewhere, rules are going to be a bit more lax.)

Some things I would suggest:

1. If you’re wearing black skate shoes to work with holes all over, something is wrong. Do you know how gross it is to be greeted by a server where you can see his socks through his shoes and you can tell exactly how wet it is in the server hallway by how many chicken guts and dish water are attached to the sock? Your customer is now sufficiently grossed out.

2. Tuck in your shirt. If you type up an argument, I’d like to point out that it takes less time to tuck that shirt in than it did for you to bitch me out on MY blog.

3. If you’ve got a bunch of tattoos, wear long sleeves. Not everyone likes tattoos and the majority of people 30 and over fall into that category. The majority of your customer base are people 30 and over. Commutative property, bitches. Look it up.

Universal Server Rule #3: Things like blowing your nose and washing your hands should be motherfucking automatic you sick sons of bitches.

I have had servers with dried, crusted, forest green snot on their upper lip and that shit is NOT kosher. If there’s not a mirror in the server’s hallway and you know you’ve got a runny nose, go to the bathroom and check that shit out. I’d trade being dealt with two minutes later than thinking of that shit on your upper lip as I’m eating my pesto.

And speaking of bathrooms, wash your hands. Wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your motherfucking hands. I have had servers refill my drinks and have the glass coming away smelling like piss. Thank God I don’t drink Mountain Dew or I’d be scarred.

Friday, specific advice on hygiene and some of the most disgusting servers I’ve ever had the “pleasure” of encountering.

This is Part I in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part II here, Part III here or Part IV here.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 10th, 2007 at 1:49 and is filed under Co-workers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.