I Am Sorry Your “Little Princess” Will Never Have A Boyfriend.
Dear ma’am and sir,
I am sorry I had the audacity to say such a stupid fucking thing as “I’ll be right with you all” when you came in.
I am sorry I had three tables already. On a fucking Friday night, no less. Who would have mother-mcfucking thought?
I am sorry you were “disappointed as hell” in the way it took me three (yes, I timed it) minutes from when I said “I’ll be right with you” to “Hi, my name’s Ryan”.
I am sorry that the Diet Coke was not to your “liking”. I know how odd Diet Coke tastes in a Japanese restaurant as opposed to everywhere else in the world.
I am sorry that we do not have “chicken fingers and curly fries”.
I am sorry you didn’t see the Hooter’s right next door.
I am sorry we do not sell Cherry Coke.
I am sorry you “don’t think that cherry juice and coke would taste the same”.
I am sorry that you dress your daughter in baggy jeans.
I am sorry you felt the need to give your daughter a shorter haircut than her brother.
I am sorry you made your daughter wear a ridiculous pair of overalls.
I am sorry your daughter hid her face so well in the FUCKING TRUCKER HAT YOU GAVE HER TO WEAR that all I had to go on were baggy jeans, a short hair cut and overalls when I accidentally said “him”.
I am sorry I go by the same gender binaries as 99 PERCENT OF THE REST OF THE FUCKING WORLD.
I am sorry that you felt my manager, April, did not satisfy your anger well enough when you complained I referred to your “little princess as a him”.
I am sorry that our coupons can only be used once per visit, you cheap fucks.
I am sorry that you didn’t have enough money to leave me more than a $0.46 tip.
I am sorry that you, ma’am, have saggy breasts and you, sir, have a needledick.
I am sorry you are pieces of trash.
I am sorry you suck.
I am sorry you are worthless
I am sorry you will die lonely and miss everything cool.
Kisses,
Ryan
September 26th, 2007 at 5:01
How old was the daughter? Did the kid flip out or just the mom? ‘Cause maybe the kid likes to wear that stuff and the mother is in total denial that her “little princess” is going to grow up to be a tomboy, babydyke, or transguy.
September 26th, 2007 at 8:21
Come on now Ryan, tell us what you REALLY think … lol.
September 26th, 2007 at 11:57
/bow
September 27th, 2007 at 1:53
Oh, haha that is what I would have loved to have said to everyone who pissed me off! .. But we are required to smile and say “Thank you very much” and “Have a good night”.. Some people are just fuckers..
September 27th, 2007 at 11:40
With the right inflection “Thanks loser!” can be made to sound like “Thank you, sir” — also satisfying but somewhat riskier: “Fuck you very much” but the “fuh” has to remain silent. Basically you say “Q very much.” These are much better if you tip off your co-workers first so they can eavesdrop.
September 27th, 2007 at 12:44
Lol marco … when I was in the Marine Corps I had to pull military police duty at the front gate for a few nights even though I wasn’t an MP … at about 3:00am my buddy and I started to say “Meow’ve a nice evening, sir” instead of “Have a nice evening, sir” to the officers that came through. I don’t think I’ve ever been that bored before or since.
October 9th, 2007 at 9:53
I hate it when parents choose to style their child (I’m assuming this child was very young and the parents were making the choices) in a gender-crossing way but then get upset if you mistake their gender. I actually am a full-time mommy, around kids all the time, and I pissed off someone by getting their child’s gender wrong. I blogged about it: http://www.drunkenhousewife.com/2007/09/traumas-of-parenting.html
I’m glad I found this blog; I’m enjoying it!
October 10th, 2007 at 1:50
[…] just as I felt convicted to explain to the meathead-customers how to act in fucking public, I feel an onus of responsibility to inform some waiters and […]
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[…] Kisses, Ryan […]