You can thank Lizzie for this next story. She’s the winner of the third week of my eight-week contest giving you guys a chance to showcase your writing skills. If you think you can do better, email me at iserveidiots@gmail.com and I’ll pick the best story out of this week and post it next Monday.

I worked this summer as a server in an upscale restaurant in a resort that is on the beach. As it just opened about three months ago, there are some kinks that haven’t been worked out yet, one of them being the fact that we have an outdoor patio that is not fenced in. As a result, any random tourist can walk in off the beach in health-code- (and social-modesty-) -defying swimsuits and be covered in sand.

90% of these idiots are also self-seaters. (Fuck them).

After a few weeks we got smart enough to put up a sign that says:

“Please see hostess desk to be seated and served outside.”

We forgot one important thing: people can’t read.

So after getting yelled at enough times by people who had sat themselves and then five minutes later yell at me because nobody had seen them yet, I went straight to
the office to print out a large, easy-to-read sign that spread across two sheets of paper that said very simply:

SEE HOSTESSES FOR OUTSIDE SEATING AND SERVICE.

I thought even if people were too stupid to read them when they sat themselves, they would see them when they came in to demand service, realize their mistake, and go see the hostesses.

No such luck.

Inevitably, we are always understaffed for outside, and on those days when there’s only one person, it’s usually always me. So I began entirely ignoring people who sat themselves, because if they don’t bother to come in to see the hostesses, they obviously don’t want service. Here is a typical exchange between me and any given idiot who can’t read who has come inside to yell at me.

Idiot: “EXCUSE ME/MISS/HEY! We’ve been sitting at that table right there for 5 minutes and we haven’t gotten service.”
Me: (Carrying something heavy or awkward, and thus not in a position to sit and chat) “I’m sorry about that, but we do have two signs here by the door that say to please see the hostesses so that they can give you menus and assign you a server.”
Idiot: Well, can you go get us some menus?
Me: “I’m sorry sir, but my hands are full…if you see the hostesses, they can get them for you.”
Idiot: (Obviously has been thinking about food the whole time and hasn’t
listened to a damn word I’ve said) “Okay, well can you go get the hostess and tell her to bring us some menus?
Me: (Fucking over it) Fine.

If you can’t even read the GODDAMNED SIGNS (PLURAL) that we have NEXT TO THE FUCKING DOOR that you walked in to yell at me, then I am forced to come to the conclusion that you cannot read. And, since we have deduced you are illiterate, I’m curious as to why you want a menu. There aren’t any pictures on it, so if you can’t read, what exactly do you plan on doing with it?

And, not only do I have to then SERVE this jackass (with the tip automatically shot no matter what), but now he thinks that he can still self-seat because I didn’t want to deal with his bullshit anymore and just went and got him the damn menu.

Again, anyone with stories should submit them to iserveidiots@gmail.com and I’ll put each week’s winner up on the site every Monday.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 20th, 2007 at 11:31 and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.