Quite literally, folks.

Here’s a story this pharmacist gave me:

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One of the worst things you can do in any health care facility is hit on the staff. Especially if you are there under questionable circumstances. That being said, I was working in the drive-thru of the drug store last Friday when this real winner drives up.

I would describe him as a Toby Keith-wannabe. I personally love Toby, but this shmuck fell miserably short of his goal.

Anyway, his old pickup truck was so loud in the drive-thru he had to turn it off to talk to me. He then proceeds to call me “baby” and give me his prescriptions. I look down to see two pain killers, an antibiotic, and a pill which is commonly given for an STD or cancer.

There was no question the reason why he was taking the medication.

After he drove off, I typed in his prescriptions to find that since he was uninsured, his STD medication would be well over 200$. I was just praying that I wasn’t still working the drive through when he came to pick it up. Oh, but of course, I was! He dropped about 5 f-bombs and told me he’d get it later. Then, grabbed his other prescriptions and called me “hunny” as he drove away.

I breathed a nice sigh of relief believing that was the last time I would see him. I am not so lucky. He later called to tell me we gave him the wrong strength of painkiller as I looked at the hard copy of the script and told him if he thought the doctor made a mistake writing it to call him. With a “thanks, sweetie,” he hung up the phone. He called a few minutes later and then hit on the intern who unwittingly picked up the phone.

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I’m surprised that I only got 26 entries for this week of the contest. C’mon, guys. I know there are hundreds out there that have been through some crazy crap at work.

But thank you, Drug Deala, for your entry. Keep writing everybody and keep sending me your stuff to: iserveidiots@gmail.com!

Me: “So, have you two decided on what you’d like for dinner?”
Husband: “I’ll have the Steak And Scallops and she’ll have the…(starts to laugh)…Tuna Dinner.”

(The Husband and Wife begin to laugh)

Me: “Okay…so Steak And Scallops Dinner and a Tuna Dinner? Would you…”

(They start laughing again)

Me: “Ummm…is everything okay, you two?”
Husband: “Oh, it was just a joke. She hates tuna.”
Wife: “It’s true.”
Me: “Uh…a joke?”
Husband: “Yes.”
Me: “I don’t get it.”
Husband: “She doesn’t like tuna…”
Wife: “I don’t like tuna…”
Husband: “Get it?”
Me: “No.”
Husband: “You ruin jokes a lot at parties, don’t you?”
Me: “Yea, it’s a hobby of mine.”

CONTEST #1 WINNER: STRIP CLUB SERVER!

CONTEST #2 WINNER: Everyone named here. Thanks for the suggestions, ladies and gents.

I’ve been getting a lot of stories from my readers about their experiences in the restaurant industry. They’re all fairly good and I’ve put some of the gems on the “Reader’s Idiots” page. I now want to focus more on you guys.

My next contest, which will run for the next two months through September 25th, is simple. You’ve all read stories on MY site. Write one of your own.

See? Simple. Every Monday, I’ll post the best story I get on the main page. That’s eight winners during the two months this contest is going on.

I receive between 500-1000 unique visitors a day, so if you have your own website, that’s hundreds of new people reading your material and getting forwarded to your own site.

If you don’t have a site, it’s still a place to showcase your non-fiction writing skills in front of an audience of thousands a week. Pretty rad, huh?

Please submit all stories and questions to: iserveidiots@gmail.com.

So I’m serving a sixty-something year in a tweed jacket. That should be punchline enough for you people.

But, no, that’s not the end of it. He talks as if he’s an extra out of a Monty Python skit and has a nose and disposition that even Winston Churchill would call “too British”.

Him: “Excuse me, sir. Why did you just carry out my beverage with your hands?”
Me: “Umm…I don’t quite know how to answer that, sir.”
Him: “Of course you don’t, my boy. Why didn’t you carry it out on a tray?”
Me: (In my best Sherlock Holmes) “I didn’t see the need, sir. It would be a waste of a good tray, old chap, if I were to use a whole blasted tray for one drink.”
Him: (Visibly angry)
Me: “Plus, with the way everything is just buggers in this tavern t’night, I thought I’d let me friends take the trays for all those plates of fish and chips hot off the steamer for the rest of the patrons. If you don’t mind, I’ve yet served a few of me customers and blimey they’re angry little bastards if I was worth half a shilling. I’ll be right back for your order of food in two shakes of a frog’s leg.”

It helps to have taken acting and improv classes in high school when you’re a waiter. At least to keep yourself sane.