This is Part III in a four-part series designed to inform the public on how to be better customers. You can read Part I here, Part II here or Part IV here.

Yesterday, I gave some advice concerning teenagers and toddlers. While it was useful, I doubt little Johnny comes home from kindergarten every day brimming with excitement as he browses the archives. And teenagers just generally suck.

Today, I’d like to speak to the two demographics that probably read my website more than any other demographic: “21 to 55 year olds” and “55 to dead year olds”.

For the young adults and adults alike (21-55 years old): You guys will find any excuse to make me run around like a chicken with its head cut off.

You are in the prime of your life. You’ve been contributing to society for some time now and you may even have kids of your own. If so, refer to Part II of this guide.

And because you’ve been a part of society for so long, you’ve been to restaurants quite a bit, haven’t you? And you know exactly what you want and what soda you’ll have and if you’d like water with your wine, right?

Wrong.

People, you’ve been sitting in booths and ordering off of menus for decades. The Sprite is still there. So is the Coke. Unless you want a Tab, we’ve probably got the soda you want.

So then why does it take you people five, ten, fifteen minutes to decide on what you’d like to drink. And why is it when I go into the back for one person’s water, that triggers another customer’s thirst for a glass of water. “Holy shit,” they’ll think, “what is that exotic drink you’re having? Water? I have to get some of that!”

What is it about someone across the table ordering a receiving a water that makes you suddenly desire some? Water is water. They have it at your house. They have it at your neighbors house. You’re not opposed to it and you understand exactly what drinking a water entails. I’ll even venture to say that water has been your drink of choice more often that any other drink.

So my first bit of advice is to figure out what you’d like to drink by the time I get to your table. The longer I take to put in your drink order and get it to you, the longer I’ll take to put in your dinner order. The same bitches that take forever to order a Diet Coke are the same bitches complaining when they don’t get their dinner in fifteen minutes.

“Sorry, ma’am. Table 9 knew what they wanted to drink and their server got their dinner order in first. What? You don’t want your dinner anymore nor do you want to pay for it? Sure, you flaming fucktard. Please have a nice rest of the night as I ask the manager if I can take a smoke break and then go key your car. Bitch.”

It’s logic, men and women. It can’t be this hard. Most of us have high school educations. Some of us even have college degrees. You’ve got to understand the relationship between drink orders, dinner orders and getting your dinner. You take five extra minutes deciding between Mello Yello and Sprite and that’s at least five extra minutes on your dinner. Sounds simple, right? Not to more people than you’d think.

You adults have also been out so much you know exactly all the choices for to-go sauces and you know which one you want and only get that one, right?

Nope.

You middle-aged hags have been to our restaurant a dozen times and you still want two of every to-go sauce we have. As if you forgot what the ginger sauce tasted like since last Tuesday when I frickin’ saw your fat ass sitting at Table 6 by the window.

Adults, my advice is simple: Act your age. And if you can’t do that, at least pretend for the sake of me and those around you. You know what you want to drink and you know what sauces you want. Don’t waste both of ours time sending me on these stupid little errands thereby taking valuable time away from my other customers (i.e. potential tips).

For the 55+ crowd: Or as I like to refer to them: The group that just won’t die.

The unlimited sense of entitlement has returned and seemed to multiply exponentially since teenager-dom. You expect us to be at your every beckon just because you haven’t died yet. Seriously. That’s all I know about my customers when I go up to them. What else am I supposed to know? I don’t know that you shot down three Nazi planes or that you took a bullet for a friend in Korea. The only accomplishment we both know about you is that you haven’t died yet. Hell, my brother’s done that and he’s dumb as hell.

Senior citizens, I know you are on a fixed income and that your social security checks give you very little spending money outside of medication, hospital bills, etc… But if I may ask a personal question:

Then why are you coming out to a semi-expensive place for dinner?

Doesn’t make much sense, does it? If you’re on such a “fixed” income, then why are you paying our restaurant 25 dollars a plate, 10 more for some drinks, 6 for an appetizer and then leaving me 2 bucks? Where’s the “fixed” income in that?

Where’s the “fixed” income on what you got out of coming to the restaurant?

I can relate to someone that’s strapped for cash. I’m in college, remember? But I don’t go throw down 80 bucks for me and my wife to go eat and drink and be merry once a week. I take my girlfriend to Chick-Fil-A. And Crispers. And cafes and hookah bars and places where I don’t have to spend a lot of money to spend some time with her.

I go to restaurants like mine and throw down that kind of dough a couple of times a month. And that’s if it’s been busy.

Older men and women, my advice is the same as the teenager’s: Don’t be surprised when we pigeonhole you as bad tippers. We know you’re strapped for cash and you know you’re strapped for cash (at least for cash for people other than yourselves).

P.S. Don’t ever put your dentures on the sushi bar or grill tables. That shit is gross.

Monday, in my final advice column, I will have a list of the common judgments that waiters and waitresses hold for the different races, classes and age groups. If you offend easily, don’t even read it. But if you want to know how to break the stereotype most those in the service industry hold for the demographic you’re a part of, I implore you to read it. Twice.

This is Part III in a four-part series designed to inform the public on how to be better customers. You can read Part I here, Part II here or Part IV here.

This entry was posted on Friday, March 16th, 2007 at 1:14 and is filed under Kids, Management, Guys, Girls, Co-workers, Couples, Moms, Dads, Grandmas And Grandpas, Stuck Up Yuppies, Frickin' Teenagers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.