How To Be Served: Part II - Advice For All Ages
This is Part II in a four-part series designed to inform the public on how to be better customers. You can read Part I here, Part III here or Part IV here.
Yesterday, I talked about some rules focusing solely on tipping. Today, I’d like to speak a little more broadly and focus on some general rules. You’ll find the advice in this column broken up categorically by age.
For the “12 and under” crowd: I think I can vouch for everyone here (server and servee alike) when I say that the volume of your child parallels exactly just how much we enjoy you and your child’s presence.
I’m a realist, moms. I understand that you and your husband need to get out of the house every once in a while and that sometimes babysitters fall through or you just can’t find one at the moment. I don’t expect everyone with a small child to not ever go out to restaurants.
What I do expect, however, is that your child not be running around the restaurant or be so disruptive that it continually disturbs the job I’m trying to do and the good time my customers are trying to have. A little noise is okay. It could even be cute and add to my tip and the customer’s enjoyment. But when your child is screaming and crying and banging their silverware on the table and you can’t or won’t stop it, that’s where the line needs to be drawn.
If you’ve ever caught your child doing any one of these things, you may need to find a babysitter or take a discipline class or two:
1. Rolling around the restaurant on those frickin’ roller-sneaker things.
2. Crying so hard that a blood vessel pops in your forehead and/or your child’s forehead.
3. Throwing plates, silverware and napkins on the floor like they were candy.
4. Flailing so wildly, they HIT A TOTAL FRICKIN’ STRANGER IN THE MOUTH.
Parents, pull up your pants, roll back your sleeves and do society a favor by making sure your child doesn’t act like a little shit in a restaurant.
For those between 13 and 20: Yes, we will check for your ID. Don’t get pissed. It’s our frickin’ job.
In my limited time as a waiter, I’ve noticed that the sense of entitlement is at its greatest on the ends of the age spectrum. If you’re under 21 or over 60, you think you deserve preferential treatment.
What the hell have you done, teenagers? Old people HAVEN’T DIED on their way to senior citizenship. That’s a hell of an accomplishment in a society so filled with ignorance and stupidity that a bunch of middle-agers pretending to be wide-eyed medical student graduates is a hit television show and a drama where the writers don’t even know what’s going on is raking in the millions. Fuck you, ABC. Bring back Howard Cosell.
You on the other hand are doing everything in your power to make it so you never see thirty. Oh, you only got one C on your report card? Scored a blowjob behind the bleachers? Well woopty-frickin-do! That all translates real frickin’ well in the real world. And that touchdown you caught last Friday night might help you get laid, but it won’t do shit to help you land a job. So don’t think you’re hot shit because of the petty things you do as an adolescent.
That being said, don’t think you’re above the same exact treatment I give everyone else. And do NOT ask me for an alcoholic drink if you don’t have an ID that says you’re 21. I’ll get fired.
The biggest gripe I have with teenagers in the service-industry is the fact that they think every restaurant is a frickin’ Starbucks. You get one sushi roll and a water with lemon and you expect us to be at your every beckon when that water gets the least bit empty? Sorry, kids. I got a family of five racking up a $200 bill over here.
And if you have the cajones to come in, take up some of my seats and not want anything but a glass of water, don’t think I’m going to go out of my way to fill that shit up as fast as you bitches drink it. Your bill is $0.00. Even if you give me a 50% tip, that’s zero cents, dipshit.
My only advice for teenagers is to put yourself in our shoes. Most teenagers never get a job in the service industry, so they don’t know that your pay is tied directly to patron’s tips and that you have the prioritize the limited service you can give all your customers. Kid, you’ve got a $4.95 bill. That family has $200. Who’s giving me the better tip? If it’s between a couple of refills for the family and your refill of water, you’d have to be a flaming douche to choose the former.
Also, teenagers, we know you don’t have much money. Hell, by the looks of your tips, even you know you don’t have much money. So then why do you get mad at us when we acknowledge that little nugget of wisdom before you do? By that I mean we don’t go jumping through hoops to get you eight different sauces for your six-piece roll of sushi and then you tip us 5%?
I was a teenager two years ago. I know what it’s like. I know that whenever I go out, I can’t just drop a fat 25% tip. Know what else? I knew that and I did a couple of things for my waiter or waitress:
1. I never bothered him or her unless it was an emergency or unless she hadn’t been to my table in a long while. (And I mean long-long, not ten minutes-long.)
2. If it was a choice between dessert or a couple of dollars for a tip, 90% of the time, I gave a couple more dollars toward the tip. Didn’t seem like much at the time, but as a waiter, I value every frickin’ penny I can squeeze from you people.
3. I made up my frickin’ mind on drinks, meal/appetizer choice and dessert as quickly as I could. If I wasn’t going to be able to tip my server that well, I was going to make damn sure I didn’t get in his or her way of serving the people that could.
In short, don’t be douches, teenagers and we’ll find the time to refill your water with three lemons. We also won’t spit in your food.
Tomorrow, the adults and the grandparents.
This is Part II in a four-part series designed to inform the public on how to be better customers. You can read Part I here, Part III here or Part IV here.
March 15th, 2007 at 12:48
[…] four-part series designed to inform the public on how to be better customers. You can read Part II here, Part III here or Part IV […]
March 15th, 2007 at 11:47
Great series! I can’t wait for parts 3 and 4.
Two weeks ago, I got a four-top of teenage girls. They all ordered about the same thing and when it came time to pay the bill, they threw down two credit cards. “Put $8 on each,” they said, “and we’ll pay cash for the rest.”
I knew I was screwed because the cost of their soda + meal was about $8 without taxes, and definately without tip. I ran their cards, which left a total of $19.94 due on the bill. Sure enough, they left $1 tip on each card and a total of $16.00 in cash on the table. So even with the two “tip” dollars on the cards, they were $2 short on their bill.
It’s one thing not to tip well but to not cover your bill just because you’re too stupid to add tax or, since we do it for you, look at the damn bill? I wanted to hunt them down and give them a quick math lesson. Ugh.
March 15th, 2007 at 1:20
While manning the host stand I saw a woman who had to be 60 get nailed in the back of the head with a cheeseburger thrown by a four-year old at the table across from theirs. The mother of the kid didn’t even blink an eye. Pretty sweet.
March 15th, 2007 at 4:45
You know, I think a lot of people don’t control their children’s behavior because they don’t want to “stifle” them. And I understand that, I was a bright child and my parents certainly had to walk the line between encouraging me and making clear what was off limits. However, there’s a big difference between “encouraging a child who’s a little inquisitive and self-motivating” and “not disciplining children for disruptive and/or flat out rude behavior”.
Letting your kids be obnoxious and entitled doesn’t lead to confidence and creativity. It leads to obnoxious entitled adults. If you don’t want to do the work to raise your child to be a human being who respects other people, don’t have kids. Or at least don’t subject the public to them.
March 15th, 2007 at 5:15
I love it when parents bring their kids into Hallmark (a store filled with breakable objects and glass) and just turn them loose. Then they bitch because their kid broke half of the store and then they have to pay for it. If you would watch your damn kid, then you wouldn’t have to buy broken merchandise!
Disruptive kids in restaurants are THE WORST! And I despise those frickin’ roller skate shoes too! UUUUGGGHHH!!
March 15th, 2007 at 5:54
There shoudn’t be a Statute of Limitations on abortions The Law should state that if you aren’t happy with your little “Miracle” you can abort up till…. I dunno 15 years old or something. That would definitely put the little fuckers on notice.
March 15th, 2007 at 7:26
About 6 months ago a little 5-6 year old boy came in to my fancy restaurant with his Grandparents. He was dressed to the nines in an ascot and polished shoes. Hilarious. Anyway, Gramps taught him the ropes of ordering food,trying new things and most importantly…How to behave. He was a real Gentleman. Al of the Waitstaff took notice of this and thanked his Grandparents.
March 15th, 2007 at 8:40
I can’t tell you how much I wish I was a few years older than I am so I could speak up about some of the kids I’ve seen without being told I’m “just a kid too”. I can’t stand the kids who are around my age, or for the love of christ older than me, that don’t know how to act in a restaurant of all places.
I’ve found a good rule of thumb to live by is to not piss off certain people. The people who bring your food to you and/or cook it, the people who cut your hair, the people who ever touch your car, and the people who give you your mail to name a few. They deserve respect and courtesy for the simple fact that they are just as human as you are anyway.
May 25th, 2007 at 11:46
[…] they were better than everyone else in the restaurant (as teenagers are wont to do) one young man wanted a beer. When I asked him for his ID, he responded with, “Dude, […]
July 24th, 2007 at 4:25
HEy dum dum. You’re part of the problem with wait staff. When I was younger, I used to always get shiatty service. Little did they know that I was 22 and making $50k a year. I always liked to give SWEET tips to people that did things like keep my water glass full, etc. Sometimes I would get a $10 meal, and just leave a 20 spot. I must say, it was rare though, because 90% of the time you were “busting your ass” on that “family $200 bill” and getting the same tip you would have gotten from my $40 bill.
A lot of the problem is the self-perpetuating problem of the wait staff only wanting the gravy. They think because I”m a young parent, or that I’m by myself, or that I”m just plain young that I don’t tip well. If I have good service, I tip 25% or more. I love to get that kind of service and give a great tip. Unfortunately, it hardly happens. I’m hunting them down for refills… my meal isn’t right, and they don’t come around for 10 min after bringing it. They take 20 min to bring the check after I’m clearly done. Those are the 3 things… -NEVER- let my drink run out, check back here and there, and bring my bill when I”m nearly finished, and you will get a great tip.
July 24th, 2007 at 5:00
Hey, douche douche. Please, in your mightiest of mights forgive us for choosing, as you put it, the “family $200 bill” where the norm for a tip is between $20 and $50 over your measly little 10 dollar meal that (as douchey as you sound) probably consisted of a tofurkey sandwich and a Diet Coke.
So here’s to you, Thinks-The-World-Revolves-Around-Him-Man. You think that a waiter’s going to give a flying shit about you and your sandwich, asshole. This Bud’s for YOU!
February 13th, 2008 at 8:39
Hey, just wanted to point out that in the scentence with “flaming douche”.. I think you meant latter… not former.
Great series. I’m really glad you brought back the website.
February 23rd, 2008 at 10:10
Hey, Junior, you’re just a college kid, and your “been there, done that, seen it all” attitude is laughable. I was a waiter during my college years too, and I understand the whole “only people my age have any clue how to behave” deal. I understand that it’s a big rush to be 2 or 3 long years removed from your high school days, and therefore the World’s Foremost Authority On Life In The Real World. However, you forget that just 2 or 3 years ago, you were doing the exact same thing you’re crying about now.
Welcome to Adult America. Adult Americans often are assholes. I know it’s a shock at your age, but that’s the deal, Slugger. They trash your tables and leave a 2 dollar tip on a $60 bill. They ask you shit like “Are you new here, or is the cook?”, and engage in a multitude of other nauseating behaviors. They pretty much beg you to add extra “ingredients” to their meal. We did it, and so should you.
Deal with the bullshit involved with waiting on tables, or go knit sweaters in the comfort of your efficiency apartment for a living. Some people deal with far more horrifying conditions for a buck, Tiger.
February 24th, 2008 at 12:59
A few things, Dekrapitator (if that is your real name).
I don’t consider myself the World’s Foremost Authority on anything. I write stories on a website. I try to make them funny and entertaining. I do it because it’s therapeutic for me to write them and my audience to read them. As far as your picking up on my of “Been There, Done That” attitude…well…I have been there. And I’ve done it. I amthere. I’m doingit. Two years running, dude.
I also wasn’t “doing the exact same thing” when I was in high school. The only difference between then and now is about a 15% increase in tip (from 15-20% to 30-35%).
I don’t really understand what you’re bashing…the fact that I’m 22 or that I’ve somehow gotten it right in my writing. I don’t necessarily see what there is to cause such hostility.
At any rate, I’d like to see what kind of debate we can stir up. Anyone agree with Dekrapitator? Disagree? Let the ignorance commence!
P.S. You might want to try changing the email address. Any Yahoo account with the words “nuclear”, “war”, and two x’s is in need of a SERIOUS revamping.
Love,
Ryan
March 17th, 2008 at 12:58
I have dark red, straight, waist-length hair. One day I had gathered it into a ponytail, braided the ponytail, and worn it thus out to eat with my husband. As we talked and ate, I realized someone was yanking on my braid! I turned around, and encountered a two year old hanging over the booth. “Ding dong!” she crowed, reaching for my hair with hands smeared with food. I summoned up my Mom voice. “Not Yours,” I said firmly. The eyes widened, and filled with tears. The lip went out and wobbled. “Sit down and eat your meal, little one,” I said kindly but firmly.
Child sat down and wailed, while I soaked a napkin in water and wiped the macaroni off my braid. Mother was furious. How dare I talk to her child like that! “If you had your child under control, I wouldn’t have to go wash cheese out of my hair,” I pointed out. “My children knew better than to pull strangers’ hair at her age. It’s possible. You’re lazy.”
And with that, we left.
Of course, I taught my sons, both of whom have ADD, that if it’s not yours you leave it alone. When they got antsy, a parent left with them to walk around the parking lot. (Useful phrase, that. The hot stove and sharp knives aren’t theirs, the library books and brother’s toys aren’t theirs. It covers everything very simply.)