Why We Don’t Serve Coffee In Our Restaurant.
Because the only asshats that want coffee are bitchy enough to argue with me, get mad and complain to management that I won’t serve it to you. I’m going to let you in on a little secret, you stupid frickin’ idiots. A secret so confounding to some and insulting to others that NO ONE ELSE HAS REVEALED IT UNTIL NOW. A secret as to WHY some restaurants have STOPPED SERVING FRICKIN’ COFFEE!
Are you ready? Are you surrrrrrrrrre? Here goes:
Everyone involved with the restaurant wants you in and out of your seat as fast as frickin’ possible.
(Gasp!)
The owner doesn’t care that you receive a tinge of happiness from your ordering a $1.99 cup of coffee with free refills and lounging around his or her restaurant. He doesn’t care that your “customer experience” is enhanced all that much more.
Why?
Because there’s a family of four waiting at the door ready to plunk down $100+ on dinner, drinks and dessert.
(Huzzah?!)
You’re the owner. You do the math: Who would you rather please? The customer that’s already paid his or her bill and simply wants a 2 dollar cup of coffee, or the family of four that is potentially about to sink in a hundred more dollars into the restaurant?
If you answered the former, go and drown yourself.
You’ve already made up your mind about how the food tastes and whether or not you would like to come back. Do you think the owner gives two shits whether or not someone spends two more dollars in his restaurant? He doesn’t. He wants people corralled in and out with as much money going into the register as possible.
And if you’re the kind of person that bases their opinion of a restaurant on whether or not they got coffee (or the quality of said coffee), I think I speak for the owner, management, bartenders and other servers when I say:
“Go fuck yourself.”
March 1st, 2007 at 2:39
hahaha that’s great
March 1st, 2007 at 3:02
lolzerz. Well spoken.
March 1st, 2007 at 7:23
Coffee isn’t too good for you anyway.
March 2nd, 2007 at 1:32
If you want coffee, go to fucking Starbucks, Grandpa!
March 2nd, 2007 at 3:22
Wow, there’s a lot of hate going round.
There’s no arguing with you, I’ve read your responses to messages to other people in the past, its just this blog used to fit the phrase ‘I Serve Idiots’, now it seems to be ‘I hate everyone’.
March 3rd, 2007 at 4:29
I’ve got to say. I don’t understand how places where I used to work stay in business. It was/is a very popular breakfast joint and all day long we had people hanging out for HOURS sipping there coffee. Get a life!
The worst was the teenagers (I know…more teenage bashing) that came in 15 minutes before we closed and demanded to stay there all the while we did close down stuff. I yelled at manager about this crap to no avail.
Oh! Almost forgot! The biggest gripe I have/had was the old people that freaked that coffee went up a dime after being at the same price for 10 years. Bwa?! A dime is not going to break your retirement fund and if it is you shouldn’t have been hanging out in our resturant every morning for years on end.
June 24th, 2007 at 11:28
I have to disagree with this entry.
I rarely drink when I am out, as it is much less expensive (and safer driving-wise) to drink at home afterwords.
I think soda is disgusting.
What does that leave? Coffee and water. That is all I EVER get. Coffee and water. Maybe once or twice a year I’ll get a lemonade but that is a rare occasion.. Usually when it is pink lemonade as it brings back childhood memories of going out to eat with my grandmother as a kid.
Not all coffee-drinkers spend 2 hours lounging around either. Some of us will get maybe one refill over the course of a meal. We just don’t like drinking a half-gallon of liquid sugar every day.
June 24th, 2007 at 12:33
…yet you don’t have a problem with a half-gallon of caffeine?
Drink Diet Coke. End of story.