I’m serving an Asian family of five last night. Why is it Asians are so frickin’ upity? It’s not them the Chinese are going after when they build up the balls to take over the world.

Me: (As I pass out the salads) “Would you like some chopsticks, ma’am?”
Her: “Oh. Just because I’m Vietnamese, you think I’d want chopsticks?”
Me: “Ummm…no?”
Her: “Oh, so now you’re a smart-ass.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Her: “Just give me the chopsticks.”
Me: “So…you…do want them?”
Her: “Yes.”
Me: “Does anyone else want chopsticks?”
Everyone Else At The Table: “No.”

Sometimes I am in utter astonishment over the incompetence of some people. It’s as if they walk into a restaurant and all common sense and simple knowledge just flies out the window.

Take last night for example. I’m serving a party of four and two of the people order food from the kitchen and two order sushi from the sushi bar. It’s busy, so it’s next to impossible to time it out to where they get their food at the exact same time, but I’m a decent enough waiter to where I can get the four dinners out within ten or so minutes of one another.

“Ten or so minutes” is obviously too long for some people. Particularly, old people. Hey, I understand…you’ve only got so long to live and you need SUSHI in those precious twilight years!

And I knew they’d be like this, so I explained ahead of time: “Alright…just so you know, the sushi chef and kitchen staff are very busy, so the dinners may not come out at exactly the right time, but I’ll try my best to have it so you get them within a few minutes of one another.”

I was greeted with the same scowles and frowns I would have received had I told them Murder She Wrote was off the air.

The kitchen staff gets the dinners done first so I rush to the back, get the dinners (with steam still rising from the freshly-cooked food) and take them to the four geriatrics at Table 9.

Grandma 1: “What is this?”
Me: “Um…Steak and Scallops…I believe it’s…”
Grandma 1: “Why are we getting ours before them?”
Me: “Well, you see…the sushi chef is making theirs right now. It should only be another ten…”
Grandma 1: “Take this away and DON’T bring it back out until THEIRS is ready.”
Me: “But, ma’am…the food will get c…”
Grandma 1: “No excuses!”

What is it with old people and the phrase “No excuses”?

Whatever. She wants her food cold…let her have it cold. The sushi gets done a mere NINE MINUTES LATER and I go to bring out the sushi and the dinners at the same time. This does not sit well with the brontosaurus of a woman on my right.

Grandma 1: “This food is LUKEWARM! I demand an explanation!”
Me: “You told me to put it in the back until they got their sushi.”
Grandma 1: “But why isn’t it hot?”
Me: “Because…that’s what…uh…food does?”
Grandma 2: “My sushi’s fine, Evelynn.”
Grandpa 1: “So’s my filet.”
Grandpa 2: “Can I have some chopsticks?”

Dammit.

DIGG This!

Point them in the direction of some much better literature than this garbage:

1. http://www.pointsincase.com/columns/michael/12-20-06.htm

- This is my roommate Mike. I think he writes non-fiction much better than I do and his life, at face value, is much funnier than my own. Those two things make for much better articles than my troubles with a crappy customer at my restaurant. The only problem is, he doesn’t get himself into enough trouble to write with the sort of regularity that I or his adoring fans clamor for. Read this column first and then try out his others. Oh yea…and comment the hell out of them.

2. www.violentacres.com

- If you ever wondered how Maddox’s vagina would sound if you taught it to read and write, you’ve found your answer right here. This woman (or man…no one knows for sure) writes anonymously and with a lot more frequency than many other internet writers (5-6 articles a week) of her caliber. She’s as smart and quick-witted as any blogger out there and deserves the book deals and critical acclaim that lesser writers (see: Tucker Max) have garnered over the years.

3. www.chadsreviews.com

- The only problem I have with this guy is he’s a fake and some (if not all) of his articles about his life are downright lies. On the other hand, he’s funny and I could give two shits if it’s fiction, non-fiction, barnyard pornography…if it’s funny, it’s funny. Check this guy out immediately. He, like Violent Acres, writes with a lot of regularity but will take month-long (or sometimes two-month long) breaks every once in a while. There’s a lot of good material here, though, so you should be entertained enough reading the past articles.

4. www.ashersarlin.com

- One of the funniest cartoonists on the web today. It’s surprising the guy is still in college. I only wish he’d make a cartoon more frequently than once every two weeks. There’s years worth of stuff to keep you busy while pretending to do that paper on The Bay of Pigs at the school library.

EDIT:
5. www.thegirlwho.net

- It’s the only site on this list to not be focused solely on comedy, but it’s honest. And above all else, I value honesty in a writer’s work because it’s honesty that readers can relate to and take something from more than anything else.

Tell me what you guys think.

DIGG This!

Guys. Stop being so cheap and maybe you’ll get invited back to her place.

Me: “Here’s your bill, sir.”
The Boyfriend: “Uh…ok…here you go. Keep the change.”
Me: (Looking inside and finding $70 on a $67.63 bill) “Was there something wrong with the service, sir?”
The Boyfriend: (Looking around nervously) “Uh…no…why?”
Me: “Because you only left me a 2 dollar tip.”
The Girlfriend: “You did what?! (Looking at me) I’m a waitress over at the Red Lobster down the street so I’m really sorry about him. Here you go. (Hands me a ten dollar bill to go with The Boyfriend’s tip).

(A few seconds later, they get up to leave).

The Boyfriend: “Listen…I’m…”
The Girlfriend: “Just drive me home.”

P.S. I’ve heard excuses regarding this story in terms of maybe the guy was broke and the girlfriend picked the restaurant, etc… Well, for starters, the guy ate the second-most expensive meal on the menu and the girl had the second-cheapest. The guy also ordered three drinks and the girl had water and an un-sweet tea. No excuses.

DIGG This!