So not only is Amanda bad-mouthing milk, the second-greatest drink of all-time (behind only Vanilla-flavored Coca-Cola) but she now says that bottled water is extremely harmful to you.

Amanda: (pointing at Zephyrhills water bottle) “You know, drinking THAT is like drinking dirt.”
Me: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”
Amanda: “It IS. That stuff is so bad for you!”
Me: “What do you suggest we drink then?”
Amanda: “I’ve been to all kinds of organic foods conventions and duh…you should be drinking ORGANIC water. (Sigh)”

I thought it was only an expression, but she is officially as dumb as she looks. Okay, Amanda. You go to your nearest CVS and pick me up a couple of bottles of hydrogen and oxygen or however it is you make “organic water” and drink up. I’ll just sip on my $1.09 bottle of Zephyrhills.

P.S. After further testing tonight, Zephyrhills does NOT, in fact, taste like dirt. On the contrary, it tastes like MOTHER-FRICKING WATER.

The other night at work, it was slow as usual so me and one of the chefs, Mike, decided to raid the server’s fridge for some cereal. Finding only Kasha whatever cereal, I let him have it. Give me Honey Nut Cheerios ANY day.

As Mike was trying to enjoy his disgustingly healthy cereal, one of our waitresses, Amanda, decided to bring up a random point to argue:

Amanda: “You know, milk is so bad for you.”
Mike: “Uh…ok?”
Amanda: “No, seriously. The only other creature that drinks milk is an 800-pound calf. And they only drink it when they’re a baby! We’re drinking that stuff into our 50’s. The only milk that’s good for you is organic milk made with rice or soy.”
Mike: “And where exactly are we supposed to get our calcium?”
Amanda: “That’s not the…”
Me: “And drinking the milk in moderation, like a glass a day, is actually very healthy for you. As long as it’s skim or 1% at the most and not 2% or whole milk.”
Amanda: “But that isn’t…”
Mike: “Haven’t a lot of organic food companies been getting in trouble lately because their products aren’t 100% organic and have been causing health problems in adults such as high cholesterol and heart failure?”

BAM! Organic food? Yea, okay…you have fun living until you’re 120 being a frickin’ vegan, I’ll take my burger medium. Oh yea, and I want the onion rings instead of the fries.

Last night sucked for tips. Absolutely sucked. I mean, it’s Saturday night and I usually pull in about 80-100 bucks depending on how busy it is. Not last night. I left the restaurant with 48 dollars in my hand. Why, you ask? Because all my tables were full of French people. Why is it Europeans have to suck when it comes to tipping? My manager Yuki supplied the answer:

Yuki: “Because they don’t have a tipping system in Europe.”
Me: “Seriously?”
Yuki: “Seriously.”

Well that answers that. But do I care? Hell no! Hey, when I go to England, do I drive on the right side of the road? Nope. And when you Europeans come over to America, you don’t drive on the left side of the road, do you?

I say that if you’re gonna be bringing your tipping heritage, the least you could do is also bring your “driving on the left side of the road” heritage. Because then we would know who you are and run you off the road before you come into our restaurants and tip us less than 10 percent.

I have a manager named Jay that comes to the restaurant he owns in our city (he owns two in two different cities) about once a week. And every single time he’s here, he always manages to sexually harass this girl named Liz who’s six months pregnant.

Jay, it’s illegal, not to mention creepy as hell, when you’re flirting with Liz. Especially now that she’s showing. We all know her butt is “huge” (as you describe it) but you don’t have to make a thrusting motion every time she walks by. You also don’t have to slap it (or attempt to). There’s a kid in there. He could get hurt. Or throw up inside of Liz’s huge stomach. Whichever.

Also, pantomiming her swelling breasts is not cool. It’s milk. Get over it.

P.S. If another one of you deaf frickin’ people tips me 4%, I will not be responsible for my actions.

P.S.S. I am not averse to deaf people. Just the ones that tip me 4%.