Unless by “conspiracy” you mean “I, the customer, am dumb as shit.”

So this lady and her husband/boyfriend/random drunk hookup are at one of my tables and the lady is bitching about how the steak is “too chewy” when 1) she has eaten over half the steak, 2) she’s eating some as she says this and 3) she ordered it “medium rare”. It’s gonna be chewy, ma’am. Next time order your meat a little more cooked and it’ll be cool.

But then the bill comes and the dude takes one look at it and starts fuming:

Him: “Yea, waiter, the price on the bill for my dinner and the price on the menu are two dollars off.”
Me: “Oh, well…let me get a menu and we can clear this right up and I can get you your two dollars back.”

Let me just stop right there. For everyone that reads this website, this should be a punch in the mouth to anyone that says “Well, the only reason he deals with idiots is because he’s a crappy waiter.” Did you just read what I said to the guy? It’s 8:00pm on a Friday evening and I’m going to all this trouble for two dollars. Hell yea. Go me. Anyways:

Him: “No no no…don’t do…well…okay. Bring the menu.”
Me: (I bring the menu) “See, sir…you must have thought this said $16.95, but your Filet Mignon dinner is $18.95 just as it is on your bill.”
Him: “Go get another menu. I think mine was different.”
Me: “Ummm…sir…they’re all the same.”
Him: “Oh, I see what’s going on here. Whatever. Someone else will catch it and be more of an asshole than I was.”

No, sir. No one is else is going to “catch it” because there’s nothing to catch. Unless, of course, you’re talking about the obvious herpes on your lady-friend’s lip. Then yea, someone else is going to “catch it”.

A couple walked in and sat at my table yesterday. The guy smelled a little and wore a hemp necklace that also reeked. He was, in short, a “hippy”.

Now, I don’t know what any of you all’s thoughts are on hippies, but as a waiter, I’ve gotten stiffed way too many times by those that hug trees to not be a LITTLE stereotypical.

But, I’m a waiter and my wage depends entirely on tips. So I put on my “shit-eating grin” face and went about serving them like any waiter would.

About an hour later the bill came and the guy had been drinking way too much sake and Japanese beer to NOT be a little buzzed. That’s why when he handed me the bill and said “Keep the change,” I got a little pissed.

“Some drunk hippy just frickin’ stiffed me,” I’m thinking as I’m walking to the bar to get whatever change this guy left me as a tip. Much to my surprise, the bill was a little over 51 bucks and the guy left me a hundred dollar bill.

That shut me the hell up pretty quick. Hey, hippies, you’re pretty all right. When I can’t smell the fact you haven’t washed your hair in two weeks, that is.

Note: This didn’t happen to me. It happened to a co-worker, Mallory. It just better encapsulated “idiot” better than anything else that happened to me tonight.

So we have these coupons all over town that give the customer five dollars off any purchase over 25 dollars. Sounds good, right? And like any other coupon, you can only use on per customer per visit. Just like ANY OTHER COUPON.

Well this jackass, who had bought dinner for him and his wife/girlfriend/whatever, had a bill for over 50 dollars. He also has two coupons. Any normal-thinking person in this same situation would just use a coupon and save the other for another time. Not this douche.

He asks Mallory to split the check in half so he’d have two seperate checks at over 25 dollars and tries to beat the system that way. My manager April says, “No dice.”

So he then uses TWO DIFFERENT CREDIT CARDS for the two seperate checks and then argues a little to get his way. All in all, he saved five bucks.

Dang, I wish I could post his frickin’ credit card number on this site so bad and get away with it. Who the hell does something like that? Some people are just cheap. That’s cool. Be broke. Postpone that shower until you can run to Target to get soap. But don’t be purposefully cheap when you’ve got the money, douche. Don’t try THAT hard. And especially, don’t try that hard in front of a woman you’re trying to impress. Think women like sex with cheap guys?

When the three of you are in earshot of me or any other self-respecting male, for the love of God do not talk about lesbianism. Ever:

Jewish Woman 1: “You know…I never tried it in college…”
Jewish Woman 2: “Uh-huh.”
Jewish Woman 1: “But whenever I see these R-rated movies out with those cute girls in them, I can’t help but think how that would feel.”
Jewish Woman 3: “I know EXACTLY what you mean.”
(All three women nod in approval)

Cue testicles shriveling up and dying in a matter of seconds.

Old Jewish women, it’s enough that all you order to drink is water and extra lemons (thereby getting free “lemonade”). But if you start being disgusting AS WELL AS cheap, well…then…that’s just not going to fly.