It’s my second table and as I’m passing out the soups and appetizers, this one girl holds up her spoon and asks me, “Is this what I use for the soup?”

This is the stuff I deal with.

Me: “Well, I mean, you could use the chopsticks if you wanted to.”
(Her family laughs. I am in.)
Girl: “I was just making sure! You don’t have to be an asshole about it!”
(Her family stops laughing. The father gets beat red and looks to see if he has his belt with him.)
Me: “Excuse me?”
Girl: “Uh…well…”
Me: “What did you just say?”

Some important back-story: The girl has braces. Obvious braces.

Girl: (Silent)
Me: “How old are you?”
Girl: “Uh…27.”
Me: “And you’ve got braces?”
Girl: “Yea.”
Me: “And I’m the asshole?”

BAM! Didn’t see that coming did you?

So as I’m walking out to my car after work, I see a mom getting into her car with her daughter. As they drove away, I saw a bumper sticker on the back of the car that read:

“I Brake 4 Manatees!”

Well, what the hell makes YOU so frickin’ special? Ever seen a manatee? Those fuckers are huge! If I saw one pressing the crosswalk button, you can bet your sweet ass I’d be coming to a screeching halt. 

P.S. Listen, lady. I didn’t mean to spill salad all over your son. You didn’t have to yell OR leave me a douchey tip. But, it’s not my fault he’s skating around on his roller-sneakers in a restaurant.

Backstory: Jay is our boss and owns the restaurant.

So the avocado we use in our sushi rolls wasn’t ripe enough for our boss, Jay. So what does he do? He acts like any dumbass would and puts the avocado next to the heater for some undetermined amount of time to “speed up the ripening process”.

So far, Kelsey has thrown up in the bathroom, Laisay and Liz have complained of stomach pains, and every customer that has gotten a sushi roll with avocado in it has sent back the roll. What a douche.

P.S. If any more of you frickin’ douches come in wearing “Mind of Mencia” t-shirts, I’m spilling soup all over you and your family.

Let me tell you a little bit about what the restaurant industry does to a person: it makes them a racist/bigot/stereotype-ist. I hate to say it, but white people, on average, tip better than black people. Hispanics don’t tip at all. And the closer you get to death, the less you tip. 

That’s why when I see a group of four or five old people, I groan. They are horribly bad tippers. Nothing you do changes your destiny. If the guy or gal uses Bengay, they’re tipping 8% or less. Guaranteed.

Of course, I get such a table early on in my shift tonight. Whatever. I’ve got another table of three thirty-year-old douchebags getting drunk on drinks I’d never even heard of so I figure my tips will even out.

The table of old people is surprisingly going smoothly so I’m not even really worried about the shit tip I’m about to receive when I overhear one of the older women saying:

“You know Blanch’s youngest son…John I think it was…well…he just came out of the closet yesterday!”

Then another woman replies, “Oh, goodness…a homosexual? I just spoke with him last week!”

Now, I’m no gay-rights activist, but “I just spoke with him last week”? The guy wasn’t in a plane crash. He just likes holding other dude’s hands. And when he pats a guy on the ass during football, he means it.

Throughout their entire dinner, I couldn’t get those two lines of dialogue out of my head. When the two couples asked for their checks, I decided to do something about it. Just below the total, I wrote a little note to one of the guys saying:

“Hey cutie! Give me a call! ***.***.****”

Don’t believe me?

P.S. Another stereotype I learned tonight: Old people that can’t take a joke tip even less than regular old people.